Captain Grammar

Dream Weaver

2011-01-03T14:57:00.002-08:00

I have had a terrible time sleeping lately. Part of this is due to my 7 month old, 75 pound great dane puppy who believes it is absolutely necessary to sleep with her head on my pillow and the rest of her body on top of me in order to achieve a good night's sleep; but also, I think, because the tv gets left on throughout the night. I usually fall asleep watching obscure shows about people disappearing and being kidnapped. It's thrilling. It is a show called "Disappeared" and it comes on the Investigation Discovery channel and is entirely true. Which is why I'm drawn to it.

My friend Ashley says it isn't good to fall asleep with the tv on because your brain doesn't stop processing what is going on around you, and with the tv on, it makes it harder for you to rest (or something along those lines); which sounds kind of weird, but even if a team of scientists came up to me and declared that information to be entirely false, I wouldn't believe them. Because it makes perfect sense.

(I've also been obnoxiously ill, which is never enjoyable.)

You'd think the answer to getting a better night's rest is obvious. Either make Belladonna sleep in her own bed (which she tries to do, but I love her and spoil her accordingly), let the dog have the bed (I refuse to lose that battle to my dog), or fall asleep watching something different; which I also refuse to do, unless something about serial killers is on tv... on the biography channel they sometimes have a show on called "Notorious" (a show which my boyfriend secretly wishes to be featured on one day. But not to worry). "Notorious" features serial killers and will usually have something exciting like live footage or personal interviews if the featured killer has not been subject to capital punishment. Dreadful thing, capital punishment.

I am drawn to these shows because it is so intruiging to me how the human mind works. How does one become a sociopath? Do they just wake up one day, bored, and develop a bloodlust? Surely they're not born that way. I cannot picture a toddler learning about shapes and colors and dwelling on crimes of violence. It would be an interesting social experiment. (Although I'm sure federal funding is used for worse things.)

Watching "Disappeared" gives me lots to think about before I sleep, like "how many of these people disappear because they want to?" If I could pull it off, I would probably do it. At least for a little while. Shortly after the life-ruiner I was once married to decided to get caught cheating and set me free from my matrimonial misery, I contemplated an adventure similar to Christopher McCandless' Alaskan journey. How liberating would it be to burn all your money, abandon responsibility, and disappear from society?! Abandoning the thought of ever having to meet the expectations of others (which we are forced to do, whether we believe it or not), pleasing people, and being caught in the whirlwind of the economical ladder is something that tugs at my heartstrings. The lesson he learned is "happiness only real when shared", but I'd like to discern that for myself, thank you very much. Because people suck.

Maybe tonight will be more restful; however with the things I pollute my mind with, it's a shocker that I don't wake up in tears, or screaming... or journalling crimes of violence.

blow

2011-01-03T14:57:00.001-08:00

(A terza rima)

I am the only thing you can't control.
I'll be what you desire; I aim to please.
I have a face and hands, but not a soul;
I'll spend my time becoming your disease.
I'll change directions, make you lose your way.
I'll lie to you and bring you to your knees.
When everyone around you leaves, I'll stay.
I'll disprove all the truths that you believe,
expose the things you're too ashamed to say...
I'll make you wish you never learned to breathe.

(I watch you blow and blow... you always change)

--lo

отец

2011-01-03T14:56:00.002-08:00

(A Rondeau)

'Baby, baby, my baby...' he cries,
For a broken-hearted girl, tears in her eyes;
A helpless father who planted a seed-
Taught her about the only love she'd ever need.
'My daughter, this world offers love, but it lies.'

Searching for answers to help her, he tries
To call on his Maker, who sadly replies
'I'm sorry, your lives are your own to lead;
Baby, baby, my baby...'

Protecting a world that was dying inside,
He made the earth shake, blacked out the sky.
To sacrifice for a world in need,
He gave a piece of Himself- the part that would bleed.
His heart was broken as He watched His son die-
'Baby, baby, my baby...'

--Lo

Twist

2011-01-03T14:56:00.001-08:00

Around your legs
Serpent swings
Quietly sings,
'Don't move, don't breathe'
Because heat turns to hate
When it's twisted.
And you WILL hate.
I control the curling snake,
It smiles when it feels you shake;
And you're scared that I know
Your legs will break
If they're twisted.
And you WILL break.
You'll hide from me
And I'll regret the choices I make-
Though I do it for you,
Always for you.
Closing in around your throat,
Wring you clean,
Don't move, don't breathe-
Because you'll turn into me
When we're twisted,
And we'll twist 'til we bleed.

--Lo

Skull & Bones

2011-01-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

You fill your days
eyes on the page
Words to forget
a truth that stays
Forever in the back of your brain...
and you hope these words
can numb your pain.
Fill your head with fiction
to take your mind off you,
But everything in front of you,
Everything you ever knew
is poison.

Spend your time
transfixed by a screen
Lost in the stories,
things not what they seem
Forcing your troubles to the back of your brain...
but stories and songs
only dull the pain.
Fill your thoughts with fantasy,
with things that can never be-
But everything you hear and see
is poison.

Surround yourself with laughter
with those who have no cares
Who feed emptiness to their souls
whose hearts are callous and cold...
And as the waters rise around you
You'll wish they only knew
That everything they were to you
was poison.

If poison is in all you hear
and all you see
and the people you're near,
Then how can you be anything
but toxic?

--Lo--

Faces

2011-01-03T14:54:00.002-08:00

It puts the smile on
hides the hurt
tries to please
It puts the frown on
force the blame on you
to cover its disease
Its angry eyes
say you’re no good
they say you’re to blame
It tells you
you’re the culprit
“call me Broken- it’s my name.”
It makes you sorry
It makes you sick
to know you need more
then It’s sorry eyes
come out from hiding
to drag you back where you were before.
It puts the smile on.

--Lo

Mirrors

2011-01-03T14:54:00.001-08:00

Swing my fists
try to break the glass
but another day like this will pass
you want to be different
always the same
count all your faces
know them by name
empty eyes
hide your face
laugh it off
hate this place
afraid to get stuck
scared to move
too much to change
so much to prove
weightless words
ignore the cost
promise broken
promise lost
see your mouth move
lose what you say
you have your golden moments
they always go away
swing my fists
to break you free
but my days are growing longer
and I’m tired of what I see

-Lo

What We Do

2011-01-03T14:53:00.001-08:00

Alone, a young woman stands naked in place
in a crowd without an unfamiliar face,
they gather around her, cheering;
hoisting her in the air,
they carry her through a red desert
and they intend to leave her there.
They hold her and tell her that
she is their treasure-
cheering louder, grasping tighter,
they offer her their pleasures.

A handsome face, red eyes, forked tongue,
tells her she’s the most beautiful woman to have ever lived-
tells her there’s nothing she could ever want that he couldn’t give.
“Forever, forever; I will always love you.”
He takes her hand, tries to pull her from the crowd,
“Come with me and you won’t be alone,”
he wants her to himself, but the crowd won’t let her go.

A body with the faces of all her closest friends
calls out to her and grabs her arm, keeping her in place-
with a dark, masked smile and stare, it holds her face,
handing her poison to drink,
she takes it in her hands because she trusts them,
or does she?
“Remember how much we love you... we love you... we need you.”
Maybe she just wants to make them happy.
She wants to make everyone happy.

She gasps as the glass is taken from her hands-
a creature with shifty eyes and quick fingers before her stands
laughing.
Throwing the glass down, he waves a coin purse in her face.
“Think of all the luxuries only I can give you.”
Placing his hands over her eyes, he puts pictures in her mind-
beautiful things surrounded her, and oh, how she was smiling.

But the visions quickly faded; with a jolt she was awakened.
Before her stood the most beautiful woman, thin and perfect.
“You can look like me... think of how desired you could be.”
And she started to long for a perfect face, a perfect shape.
The shame in this longing made her heart ache.
She cried out, “I’m sorry...” as tears slid down her cheeks,
knowing she should be better than to give in so easily.

They all circled around her,
calling her name.
Telling her she has to make a choice,
this is not a game.
They called her and beckoned her and begged her to follow them,
telling her she could never find truer happiness.
Confused and frustrated, she screamed-
hate and rage pounded in her vocal chords.
She stood there crying... crying and screaming-
hoping to wake up; hoping she was dreaming-
beating on her own chest, eyes shut tight,
to keep out all the sounds, all the sights
of the pieces of her life that carry her away–
the pieces of her life that she hates that she loves.
She hates that she loves.

Overwhelmed, she drops to her knees-
as they close in around her, she begs them, “PLEASE-
just let me breathe... I just need to breathe.”
They gather around her, telling her, “Choose!
I can give you what you wish!”
Then she hears a voice saying
“REAL LOVE IS OUTSIDE OF THIS!
There’s a light beyond all these faces,
and it will keep shining in the darkest of places.
All you have to do is turn to Me...
I can make it better,
let Me be what you need.”

She liked the way it sounded,
she wanted that peace...
But she was too ashamed, too complacent to fight.
She let her demons carry her
into the night.

Why do we do what we do?

--Lo--

Always Move Fast...

2010-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like the past few years of my life have been so filled with excess that I haven't been able to breathe. My days have been so full of stress and worry that I have fallen into a rhythm of shallow breathing and haven't been able to feel full or satiated.

I just got off the phone with my friend Jenny and we were discussing "Eat, Pray, Love" and how the protagonist lives a similarly smothered life. Divorce, followed by a quick leap into the arms of a new love without time in between to center herself and heal. I did that, and I am doing that still. I love this man with my whole heart, don't get me wrong. It was just interesting to watch this woman go through the same thing and make decisions to release herself and embark on a beautiful but painful journey of self-discovery.

I think it would be wonderful to embark on such a journey. To know the feeling of release and to be able to feel whole. To feel complete. To be filled. And what better time to discover this than before the start of a new year?

New Year's resolutions have always been something I found rather silly (mostly because I have little to no self-discipline. Also because I think change should be for good and forever, and that a resolution that only lasts a year isn't really accomplishing much of a change. What is change if it is only temporary? Is it really change?) But this past year, I decided to make my New Year's resolution about something I would actually do, that I would enjoy doing, and that would make me grow. I decided to read.

I love to read, and I think so much can be learned from the words of others. So in 2010 I read. I decided to switch off between classic novels and contemporary, and here is what I read:

1. The Awakening by Kate Chopin (This is my favorite book and I read it every year. It is a beautiful story about a woman who finds herself and realizes she does not have to attach herself to anyone or anything. I find it correlates well with my favorite scripture- Ephesians 5:14 "Awake, oh sleeper, rise up from the dead and Christ will shine on you.")

2. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (Not quite on the same wavelength as Chopin, but the movie is one of my favorites, because I think it's funny. I, for some reason, am drawn to things that are warped and twisted.)

3. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (I read this when I was 14 and had forgotten how brilliant it was.)

4. Geek Love by Katherine Dunn (Something one of my doctors in Massachusetts recommended because the author and I have the same last name. He said it was required reading when he was in high school. It's fabulous and weird, but not something I would recommend to high schoolers.)

5. Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy (Hardy is my favorite author. He writes the most beautiful tragedies and this book I feel like I can relate to more than anything... mainly because I understand the desire to go to college but not being able to afford it. This past year has opened my eyes to the harsh reality that colleges don't really care about educating, they care about money. Jude Fawley, we are kindred souls.)

6. Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh (I am drawn to things that involve heroin for some reason. And I can never remember if it's spelled heroin or heroine.... I made that mistake in an English paper my senior year of high school when I meant the female hero but referred to her as an opiate. Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies as well, so I naturally had to read the book.)

7. Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (I have read almost all of his books because he is a satirical genius and I hope that my books will move people the way his books have moved me. It was epic. But not my favorite of his.)

8. Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton (another beautiful tragedy. I read it in high school but I couldn't remember the story, so I had to read it again.)

9. House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski (this book took me an entire month to read because it haunted me so. It is beautiful and dark and soooooo brilliantly complex. A great recommendation from a great friend I met at TTU orientation.)

10. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (Which I also read in high school, but loved it so much that I wanted to enjoy it again. And a little because it was $7.00 at Barnes and Noble.)

11. Ender's Shadow by Orson Scott Card (I thought this was a sequel but was really excited to discover that it is not a sequel nor a prequel, but rather going on at the same time! Bravo)

12. On Every Side by Karen Kingsbury (I am normally not a fan of christian fiction because it's rather corny, but it was a gift and it has been sitting on my bookshelf since high school graduation, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Not bad at all.)

13. Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy (I love his books and had not read this one yet, but it blows my mind how something written so long ago can still be so easy to read.)

14. The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer by Philip Carlo (I not only like things that are warped and things that involve heroin, but I am also fascinated by serial killers. Richard Kuklinski was a fascinating man. And this book was very easy to read.)

15. Dracula by Bram Stoker (Again, fascinating how something written so long ago can be such an easy read and so easy to get into. I couldn't put this book down. It's easy to see how this became a timeless classic.)

16. The Long Road out of Hell by Marilyn Manson (I found this in the autobiography section of Barnes and Noble, and it completely captivated me. I have always wondered what made him the person he is today, and I think his music is beautiful. Because people are so judgmental and cruel, they are only able to see the superficial and can't see the truth about human nature in his words. And he has a beautifully unique voice, which I love. While reading this I kind of fell in love with him.... because he is SO PROFOUND. Even the way his book is mapped out is brilliant. Upon reading this, the reader will find that all the stereotypes they heard about him are wrong. And he makes such good points about how people are trash, which I fully believe. Even his name was a way he proved a point about people. He created his name from Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson, to show that everyone has a light and dark side... but which side of his name did society focus on???? The dark side... because that's what they wanted to believe about him. ugh. Thank you for this book, you are an inspiration.)

17. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (I love her. I love how practical she is. I wish I could live in her novels.)

18. Cirque du Freak books 1-6 by Darren Shan (A children's series that I can't seem to stop reading. They are addicting.)

19. Manson in his Own Words by, of course, Charles Manson, although I think it was dictated by him and pieced together by someone else (This man.... I have no words. But the book was great!)

20. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (One of my favorites, I read it every year. I love the concept of change as it relates to human beings... because I'm not convinced people actually do change if it's for the better. But the book leaves it open for argument. Very "shades of grey"... and I live in "shades of grey".)

21. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (Another great book that I read every year and cannot stop laughing the entire way through. And I love that it actually happened.)

22. This was supposed to be Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, but I got halfway through it and my great dane puppy ATE IT. Actually ate it. So, then it was going to be Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy, but then I thought I was supposed to be on a modern novel month... but looking through this I think I read more modern novels than classical novels, so I now have 1 day to complete my resolution and I think I will just read one book and be done. I have settled on My Booky Wook by Russell Brand. (I found this in the music section of Barnes and Noble and I think he is hysterically funny. I flipped open to a random page and couldn't stop laughing so I had to have it. I think I will enjoy it.)

In 2011, I would like to continue reading... at least one book per month. And maybe have a theme... like all books in a series. Or all books by certain authors. I also plan to write every day, at least in a journal. I have so many blank journals given to me as gifts (because there used to be a time when I wrote often. And I love the journals with unlined pages because I don't like feeling constricted when I write.) So I will start to carry a journal around with me like I used to and write down things that inspire me or make me laugh. I used to do that for my weekly shout outs, but for some reason, things just stopped being funny. I am hoping that will change this year, because I loved doing the weekly shout outs. I also will be writing more poetry, if I'm inspired to do so, and try to work on my books. Because how can we change the world if all we do is think?

Most of all, I plan to find myself. I plan to center myself, talk to God every day, and I plan to breathe. And breathe deeply.

Come Home

2009-07-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

Come home.
You’re lost and dying,
But you run away from me.
You, my dear, are better than this
But you’re choosing not to be.
Come home, my love,
I miss you.
I’ll show you what you’re worth.
I’ll hold you tight against my chest
And I will heal what hurts.
Come home
And I’ll forgive you
For the life that you have picked.
I watch you love things more than me-
Things that make you sick.
Come home, my love,
You’ve lost yourself
And made all who love you cry.
You break their hearts like you break mine;
And it hurts to watch you die.
Come home.
You’re cold and broken
I’ll keep you safe; I’ll see you through-
My love, you give yourself away,
But you’ve forgotten who you belong to.
Come home, my love,
You’re lonely.
You’re sad and scared and ashamed.
But I’ll show you love again,
And I swear you’ll be okay
If you come home.
I’ll show you love again
And I swear I’ll find a way
To bring you home.

-Lo-

Keepers

2009-07-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

*To the Keepers- for being the men who will never let me down.

It's you, it's you
The Loner,
The one who holds me still.
The head, the neck, the conscience,
The focused, driven will.
The one who worked the hardest
and at times had the least to gain.
You paved the way for the rest of us
and never once complained.
You've been where I find myself
time and time again...
and you dig for me.
You dig when I become a person that I hate-
You fight against my darkest sides,
you shoulder all the weight.
And I know I hurt you
every time I turn away;
But it's you who are my truest friend
at the closing of each day.
Even when you're lost, yourself,
you help me find my way.
And though this world will tear us
Until we're miles and miles apart,
it's you, it's you
The Loner
who I carry in my heart.
You're a Keeper.
You're my Keeper.

It's you, it's you
The Lover,
The one who holds me near-
The shoulders, the arms, the tender heart,
the gentle listening ear.
The one who's shown me what it's like
to be faithful, to be true;
Who challenges me to be mindful
of the things I say and do.
You see my face and know I'm lost.
You fight to pull me through...
and you dig for me.
You dig when I become a person that I hate-
You fight against my desperate sides,
you shoulder all the weight.
And I know I hurt you
every time I turn away;
But it's you who show me love
at the closing of each day.
Even when I break your heart,
you hold me anyway.
And though this world will tear us
Until we're miles and miles apart,
it's you, it's you
The Lover
who I carry in my heart.
You're a Keeper.
You're my Keeper.

It's you, it's you
The Fighter,
The one who holds me up.
The legs, the feet, the swinging fists,
the overflowing cup.
The one who warms my heart
with your joyful, joking side-
an interesting complement
to your stubborn pride;
but you've always been beside me
in the times I've tried to hide...
and you dig for me.
You dig when I become a person that I hate-
You fight against my stubborn sides,
you shoulder all the weight.
And I know I hurt you
every time I turn away;
But it's you who makes me smile
at the closing of each day.
Even when you're sad, yourself,
you chase my sorrows away.
And though this world will tear us
Until we're miles and miles apart,
it's you, it's you
The Fighter
who I carry in my heart.
You're a Keeper.
You're my Keeper.

It's you, it's you
The Keepers-
Who hold me to my best
The ones who break and bleed for me,
The ones who give me rest.
When I'm at my darkest,
I look at myself and see:
a Loner, a Lover, a Fighter-
There's a part of you in me.
When I see these things, then I remember
who I want to be...
because you dig for me.
You dig when I become a person that I hate-
You fight against my selfish sides,
you shoulder all the weight.
And I know I hurt you
every time I turn away;
But it's you who I can count on
at the closing of each day.
And I know I'm not alone
even when you're far away.
And though this world will tear us
Until we're miles and miles apart,
it's you, it's you
The Keepers
who I carry in my heart.
You're The Keepers.
You're My Keepers.

all my love always and always-Lo

Whirlwind

2009-07-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

“It’s time to go,” He whispered.
The clouds were moving in.
She moves with the storms
And the rain was starting again.
This rain is her home,
These clouds, they carry her.
They take her from place to place-
They rescue her when she’s in trouble,
But they can’t erase his face.
He could hold her down
With nothing but a gaze.
He’d keep her here, and she’d be happy,
In this wretched place.
So do her a favor,
Let her leave.
Pretend that you hate her,
Don’t let her see
That she is worth anything.
Because if he asks her to stay
She will.
If he tells her he needs her
She’ll give him everything.
Don’t ask her to come home,
Because she doesn’t belong.
She doesn't belong here,
And she doesn’t belong to him.
She belongs to no one,
She’s carried with the wind.
The thunder and lightening guard her,
To keep a sacred oath,
And if he tries to keep her here,
The storm will kill them both.

It will not let her leave,
But it will let him enter.
But they will both be prisoners
If she pulls him to the center.
Forever locked
Forever chained
Forever tortured
Forever named
With the word that burns the flesh.
So let her go
And let her be
A piece of the storm
Wild and free.

They call her the Whirlwind
Because she constantly runs
She’s always going,
On the move,
With hope to gain, love to lose.
Her love is like the storm she rides
Violent and beautiful and fully alive.
She pours her love like rain
And he can erase her,
But he’ll miss her someday.
But she wants to be alone
Because she hurts less that way.
She’s caught in a whirlwind
And it's pulling her away.

She’s caught in a whirlwind,
The storm sings her song.
And she knows real love,
She's had it all along.
They call her the Whirlwind
And she’s going, going, gone.

--Lo--

"And this, I learned was the never ending flight
of those who sinned in the flesh, the carnal and lusty
who betrayed reason to their appetite...

Love, which permits no loved one not to love,
took me so strongly with delight in him
that we are one in Hell, as we were above...

While thus she spoke, the partner of her flame
Turn’d his deep sorrows to the whirlwind’s rage."

- Canto V
The Inferno
Dante Alighieri

Secrets & Lies

2009-07-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

They love you
They need you
They'll never leave you.
You drink their poison
You take this potion,
and you run this notion
through your head-
But you, my friend
are dark and dead.
Wipe the slime that coats your eyes
and taints the world you see.
Now everything is black around you,
Black inside you;
dead beneath.

Truth whispers around you,
too faint to hear;
But you know what it's saying.
That message is loud and clear-
ESCAPE FROM HERE
AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
But you, my love
are cold and black.
You fake to find the strength you lack
in their bright and shining faces.
But they lead you to the darkest places.
Or are you leading them?

You fake, you smile,
You lie, you hide,
and bit by bit you die inside.
You laugh and rot;
You feed the flies.
Tell me secrets.
Tell me lies.

--Lo--

5 Lives; The Coterie

2009-07-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

You look in the mirror
And you ask what you see
But you’re not getting the answer you want
From me.
You learn how to run,
You learn how to hide,
You learn what it feels like
To burn inside.
And you’re not afraid to die-
Terrified of pain-
But peaceful knowing your heart won’t bleed again.
Knowing that you’ve done your worst
To those who loved you best
And knowing you would do it again
If you were put to the test.
You’d do it again because no one cares
And you’re liking the feeling of their numbing stares.
Because hope is fake, romance is dead,
And the weight of the world’s on the back of my head.
They try calling me back,
They’d say I’m tempting fate,
But I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole
Into a place I hate.
A place that scares me,
A place without love,
A place with no bottom
And no way to rise above.
And we’re all stuck hereIn the same life,
Feeling the same emotions,
Just at different times.
So you look at your life,
And you look at hers,
And you ask what she’s afraid of.
And you look at him,
And ask what he’s made of.
And a circle of 5 will share their glory.
The painter starts to tell her story-

She glanced at the canvas,
Reveling in the potential it held.
Dipping the brush, she pursed her lips,
Painting two perfect arches, connected at the tips.
She stepped back and glanced at her work-
It was delicate and powerful, but incomplete,
So she painted around it, such beautiful things.
She painted things that brought her to tears.
Her deepest secrets, her darkest fears
Came to life on that canvas.
She worked until her fingers bled,
Then, stepping back, she smiled and said,
“It is finished.”
And just for one moment,
One perfect moment,
Life was beautiful.
But she feared what others would look at this and see.
Closing her eyes, she saw what it could be-
It could be better than this-
It could be better-
It could be-
So she dipped the brush and stroked once more,
And she hated herself for what she had done.
She had something perfect and she wanted more,
Destroying the beauty she had before.

He sat alone, the room was black.
The audience was silent and still,
Waiting for something that would bring them to their knees;
He played, pouring his heart out on the ivory keys.
He let his heart control his hands,
And his fingers, oh, how they danced.
He let his symphony take him away-
Free him from the frustrations of the day.
He played notes that brought him to tears.
His deepest secrets, his darkest fears
Came to life in that song.
He played until his fingers bled,
Then, pausing, he smiled and said,
“I’ve created my masterpiece.”
And just for one moment,
One perfect moment,
Life was beautiful.
But he feared what the audience would think and say,
Closing his eyes, he turned away-
What if they didn’t like it-
What if they didn’t-
What if they-
So he placed his hands back on the keys,
And one sour chord through the concert hall rings
And there was no applause, no cheers from the crowd.
He ran from the stage, defeated, ashamed,
With no one but himself to blame.
And he hated himself for what he had done.
He had something perfect,
But he wanted more,
Destroying the beauty he had before.

The glow of the computer screen, it was the only light
That kept her from the darkness as she sat awake that night.
A thousand ideas were forming in her mind-
The novel to end all novels, the only one of its kind.
She started to type, slowly at first,
Then faster, faster as the words poured from her soul;
Pouring for a broken world, waiting to be whole.
She typed thoughts that brought her to tears.
Her deepest secrets, her darkest fears
Came to life on that screen.
She worked until her fingers bled,
Then, sitting back, she smiled and said,
“This can fix the world.”
And just for one moment,
One perfect moment,
Life was beautiful.
But she feared what readers would look at this and say-
What if they reject me-
What if they reject-
What if they-
So she frantically typed, pounding the keys.
Then, glancing up, she saw only a blank screen.
She had lost everything.
And she hated herself for what she had done.
She had something perfect,
But she wanted more,
Destroying the beauty she had before.

He held a picture in his hand, folded and worn,
Creased in several places, edges faded, corners torn.
On this picture, two faces beamed.
A piercing pair of bright blue eyes
Caused his heart to stir.
He was in the picture too, but not facing the camera-
No, he looked at her.
He held this picture to his face,
Closed his eyes and wished-
Wished that he could go back and change
All the tiny things he missed.
The tiny things that added up to pushing her away
Because he wasn’t ready- or maybe too afraid.
But not too afraid to hurt her or to break her heart.
Not too afraid to lie to her and keep her in the dark.
He set the picture down,
Remembering the way he felt when she was near.
Wishing he could hold her, wishing she were here.
Next to the picture, a box filled to the brim
With letters and notes she had written to him.
He pulled them all out one by one,
Read them each and when he was done,
Decided he needed to figure out how
To show her he cared, he was ready now.
He’ll paint her a picture,
He’ll play her a song,
Anything to tell her he knew he was wrong.
Wishing he could tell her how she’d filled his life with joy...
How his knees went weak when she smiled.
And how he knew she never wanted more
Than to be close to him for a while.
But his heart was mending from others before,
And he didn’t think he could take any more
Disappointments, rejections.
But it’s different now, he needs her now.
Having her makes his world so much better,
So he took his pen and he wrote her a letter.
He wrote her things that brought him to tears.
His deepest secrets, his darkest fears
Came to life in that letter.
He worked until his fingers bled,
Then, taking the pages, he smiled and said,
“This will prove it to her.”
And just for one moment,
One perfect moment,
Life was beautiful.
But he feared what she would look at this and see.
Closing his eyes, he saw what it could be-
What if she hates me-
What if she hates-
What if she-
So he folded the letter and tore it apart,
And she never would know the truth in his heart.
Months pass and he sees pictures of her with him.
It’s obvious that she is adored,
But she isn’t the same girl she was before.
It’s something in her eyes attempting to hide
A part of her that’s dead inside.
He sees this and shakes his fists to the sun,
And he hates himself for what he has done.
He had something perfect,
But he wanted more,
Destroying the beauty he had before.

Now they look at me and it’s my turn to speak,
But those stories they told?
They belonged to me,
Because we share these pains, we live these lives
And we can’t ask for more than what we need to survive.
Because at the end of the day,
Your friends will let you down,
And the people you love
Won’t always be around.
So you learn strength,
You negotiate with pain,
And you keep on breathing.
And you learn to love again.
Don’t push things too far,
Don’t push them too fast.
Enjoy it while you’ve got it,
Because you'll learn that nothing lasts.

--Lo--

Sorry Hearts

2009-07-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

She told him that lovemakes us who we are,
and she’ll always remember nights under the stars.
She gave him her heart,she begged him to stay,
but the ones you love always go away.
Another petal falls
the ground will shake
and our lives will reflect the choices we make.
Our world is a lonely world
it knows us by name
and it pulls us back to darkness every time we lose our way.
It tortures our souls,
it drowns us in doubt,
and it laughs when our sorry hearts cry out.
She would have given him everything,
her heart was his to take,
but tonight, two bleeding hearts will break.

-Lo-

Good Will Hunting

2009-02-22T19:35:00.000-08:00

This is a quote from the movie. I love it. It's beautiful. It moves my heart.

"I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything..."

Word to the Wise

2009-02-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

If you knew my story,
Heard where I've been,
Then you know I'm not who I was
and I won't compromise myself just because
there's a chance it'll make you smile.
I don't trust you-
Don't know if I ever will.
I've caged in my heart while it's beating still.
If you want to get close, then get in line.
Don't start by wasting my valuable time,
and I'll make it worth your while.

You should know that I'm serious.
If you're smart, you'll prove your different,
but I'm not sure it exists.
If you're unsure,
Then stay out of my way.
I'm taking care of me today.
I always liked the idea of you,
but I'm tired of hoping for something new-
so don't mess with me-
I'll bury you.

Your arrogance and pride, they sing
with shiny, pretty words that bring
me oh so close to tears;
Because I want so bad to believe it's true.
But I'm not in your fairytale, it's just
You. and You. and You.
You're the King, the Duke, the Earl.
You offer me your blackened pearls
and you think I'm here to play.
But I wonder if you know
That at the end of every day
that trio keeps you alone.
Play with me
and I'll burn your throne.

You should know that I'm careful now.
If you're smart, you'll prove you're different,
but I'm not sure you know how.
If you're unsure,
Then stay out of my way.
I'm taking care of me today.
I always liked the idea of you,
but I'm tired of hoping for something new-
so don't mess with me-
I'll ruin you.

I've always wished for something real
But that's not how you make me feel.
You make me hurt, you make me weak-
but not a weakness that makes me tough.
A lonely, broken, aching pain
reminds me how I was never enough.
Never enough to make him happy...
You revive this pain in me,
and you display it like some victory-
display it for the world to see.
Some thing you've finally broken down,
A tarnished trophy to quell your thirst.
Your bloodlust keeps you at your worst.
Hunt me
and I'll kill you first.

You should know that I'm angry and hurt.
If you're smart, you'll prove you're different,
but I'm not sure what it's worth.
If you're unsure,
Then stay out of my way.
I'm taking care of me today.
I always liked the idea of you,
but I'm tired of hoping for something new-
so don't mess with me-
I'll destroy you.

You lament and call to me
with some lame, half-hearted apology-
You're sorry. You're sorry.
You're always sorry,
and, you know, I'm sorry too...
Sorry that I can't get rid of you.
I'm through being sucked into your games-
You'll never be different,
You're always the same.
You bring the same hurt, I shed the same tears,
But you aren't worth the love you fake,
and knowing this makes my heart ache.
I found a way to rise above.
Tell me you love me
and it won't be enough.

You should know that I need to be convinced.
If you're smart, you'll win my heart
if romance still exists.
If you're unsure,
Then stay out of my way.
I'm taking care of me today.
I always liked the idea of you,
but I'm tired of hoping for something new-
so don't mess with me-
I'm through with you.

-Lo-

"Your Brew" Oct. 2008 -CMJ

2009-02-15T22:17:00.000-08:00

This poem was written for me by a friend. I dig it.

"Your Brew" Oct. 2008 -CMJ

Believe it or leave it
Want to say I'm sorry
For how things are. . .

Brew yourself some love
Pour yourself two cups
One to fill up on
And another just because.
Keep your heart beating,
Try not to exhaust it.
Remember its brought you
Ohhh so far. . .

Life works so courtly,
It can be shorter
Then the day before.
Get up off your rump,
Give your chest a thump
So it beats better than before.

Go on, and brew some love,
Pour yourself two cups.
One to drink on,
Just one to drink on. . .
And well the other,
You could pass out. . .
Pass it with no doubt.

If they dont like your brew,
There are more than a few.
Head UP when foot meets floor.
Believe it or leave it,
Can't say that I am sorry. . .
You look stronger than before.

Weekly Shout-Outs 02/15/09

2009-02-15T18:39:00.000-08:00

It's been kind of a rough week for shout outs, and i'm not really sure why.

That being said, I'd like to give a shout out to:

*Roy- for being 'my lady tonight' (haha!); for "looking for love and high fives"; for always singing to me on the phone (and sometimes scream singing, which i LOVE!); for spitting in Trent's cup; for 'Hoody HOOOOOOO'; for 'Chafrican' ('charfrican... don't let it happen to you.'); for telling Lance Armstrong to 'Livestrong'. HAHA!; for digging the pics; for the way we love Brand New. 'Tell all the English boys you meet/About the American boy back in the states/The American boy you used to date/Who would do anything you say."

*Collin- for the flowers (you made my Tuesday); for lunch; for the movie night; for Saturday; for downloading Lydia and Brand New... they move my heart; for the things you remember; for more amazing stories; for buying a house and deciding to let me help you pick out paint colors (and i hope you know that by saying "you can help me", you REALLY meant "you get to pick them out".); for being fancy; and for deciding to go to Amsterdam for a weekend. I dig it.

*Andrew- for your carving skills; for making it impossible for me to win at ANYTHING- you SMOKED me in racquetball twice (raise your hand if you're surprised, though... oh, no one? great.), THEN you beat me in Chicken Foot, and FINALLY you whipped me in Nuts (that could be taken the wrong way. It's a CARD GAME, PEOPLE). we aren't playing games anymore... today atleast.; for introducing me to Nick & Norah; for the amazingly wrong music that we listened to today; for watching my dog poop.

*Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist- for the quote "I love you so much it's retarded."

*Micah Dean Johnson- for the videos. lovelovelove.

*Daisy- for the way you yawn when I kiss your face.

*Joshua and Jeremi- i love you boys with my whole heart. joshua, thank you for deciding to teach me to freebord! i miss you both. i'm glad you're coming to town and i am dedicating my weekend to you! see you soon. <3<3<3

*Josiah- for being amazing at baseball; for the play you almost made at second base yesterday where you did the awesome leaping-full-body-layout-stretch-for-the-ball but missed. but it was awesome; for teaching me to play the drums; for letting me borrow your belt. (it looks way better on me, you should just let me have it.)

*Sadie- for your beautiful baby, the pictures are so sweet. i love Norah. and i love you.*Jenny- for February 9, 2009; for being a part of me.

*Jenny's mom- for this conversation she had with her daughter...

Jenny's mom: My wallet is in there by the lamp.
(Jenny looks by lamp and finds no wallet)
Jenny: What do you mean 'in here by the lamp?'
Jenny's mom: Paper towels.

one word... WOW. hahahaaaaaaa

*Lindsey- for dedicating the song "Wonderwall" to me; and for cotching a feesh... and a duck. you are the only guy i know who has gone fishing and caught a duck. i DIG THAT. haha; hope to see you Tuesday or Wednesday!!!

*Burt's Bees- for your Lip Shimmer. God bless you.

*The back and mailroom fax machines- for 2 consecutive issue-free weeks. *SMOOCH!*

*Mitch- for not being mad at me for mistaking you for Andrew; for 'Your Brew'; for your compassion and insight. You have moved my heart.

*Richie Kubu- for getting engaged!!!! that is so amazing, i'm excited for you! (but this does not excuse you from 'Reunion Fun Times')

*Preston- for your favorite sports being paintball and curling... and hopscotch... and for getting me to confess that my favorite sports were heroin and slavery... and for subsequently confessing that your favorite sport is actually the Holocaust... and for the conversation abruptly changing. haha

*Meyers- for admitting that you miss me. but really no one's surprised.

*Hurtado- for being in Alaska, that's hardcore; for the video comments. :)

*The robust black woman in IHOP- for the conversation she had on her phone that went a little something like this:

RBW (Robust Black Woman): 'So how come you haven' reported that phone stole? Seven hunned dollas lata... YOU BES' REPORT THAT DAMN PHONE STOLE!... Why you gon' do dat? Naw, naw, you LIKE bein' sick. Every time you eat that you en' up in the 'mergency room. No, i am gettin' off the phone with you because i am in the ress-uh-ront an' i cain't cuss you out like i wawnt to, so i am gettin' off da phone. Goodbye."

...Well done.

*The River of Life- for miraculously producing thousands of Krispy Kreme donuts daily.

*CHRISSY CONWAY- for the time you kicked the hole in the wall in your bedroom because you were mad at your mom. then you drew a picture and taped it over the hole. hahaha

*This lady- http://videos.komando.com/2009/02/09/bowling-accident/

*Stephen Dorff- for your role in Blade; you are lovely.

*Kara-- for appreciating my stupid sense of humor and encouraging me to keep doing the shout outs. Love you!

*Leighton Antelman (okay, and the rest of Lydia)- once again, you sing like an ANGEL and you own my heart. I can't wait for the show Thursday. Don't get creeped out if i ask for a mouth hug. Thx.

*D- for coming through in the clutch (kind of.); for sending me thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZxd-xV4pbE and making me cry. Goodbye. I hope Texas treats you well.

I thought I had more this week, but I guess that pretty much sums it up.

LoveLoveLove,

--Lo--

Shout-Outs for Chrissy

2009-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Chrissy,

It’s not that I forget you in ANY way. To be honest, I think of you every day. I’m sad that California took such a huge piece of my heart away from me.Madam, if you will recall, in your last shout out, I mentioned almost every one of the instances you described in your written complaint. However, I have seen the unnecessary hurt and sorrow I have caused. Thusly, I will never exclude you from the shout outs ever again. I promise. But you have to promise me that you will call me every week and talk to me because I miss you. And because you make me laugh really hard. And because something you say will more than likely be worthy of a shout out.

That being said, I’d like to give a shout out to:

Christina Nicole Conway- for the word “Yippen”; for watching tv instead of listening to me when we would talk on the phone in high school; for the video tapes we made (I would like a copy of those please!); for you making Dillon spend like $30 on candy and snacks every time he took you to the movies; for the fact that you could probably quote Joe Dirt front to back; for your hoodie that I stole and still have; for the fact that you are the most beautiful woman I know; for the time you dropped the double f-bomb (I wasn’t there for that, but the story is funny); for there never being a dull moment, even if we were just watching tv; for how much you love Jordan Almonds; for always being the strong one.

I love you so much.

-Lo-

Like Icarus

2009-02-07T23:57:00.000-08:00

I heard the birds cry out as you ripped through the sky,
I heard them say your name.
I drew in a breath,
and the earth, I swear it moved.
Patiently waiting for you to pass by,
I can't wait to ruin you.

You broke through the clouds-
I can see you now,
released from years of captivity.
Feathers and wax were a father's means
to make a way for you.
For a shot at a new life, he made you wings;
and this new life, it screams
all around you.
From deep inside you, it cries out,
and I can hear you in the wind; it sings.

Once freed, you were given boundaries-
"Don't fly too high, stay away from the sun."
But your taste for adventure took control of you,
and I smile because I've seen this before.
I know your kind, always wanting more;
So you flew higher, and the sun was hot.
Now your arms are coated with melted wax,
and you're falling-
You fall hard and fast.
I get to watch the panic in your face.
I sense your fear and I won't hesitate;
so stretch out your arms and accept your fate-
A hard, dark body of blue...
you know what waits for you.

Cold, deep and unforgiving,
I'll swallow you up if you give me the chance.
I'll destroy your faith
and make you wear your broken crown.
Tell me how it felt to be captured,
and I'll tell you how it felt to pull you down.
Relinquish your cries for help.
Everyone has better things to do
than waste their time trying to rescue you.
But they might stop to watch you drown.

They'll stop everything to witness tragedy.
They'll watch as I pound into your flesh.
They'll watch and laugh as I pour into your lungs,
and they'll be thinking all the while, "Better you than me."

I'll carry you, weak and bleeding
to the rocky cliffs on the shore,
just to watch your face as I pitch you to the jagged rocks;
We've gone through this before.
I let them have you for a while
before I take your broken body, limp from exhaustion,
and I tell you, "Ask for mercy."

Glaring, you tell me, "I'll die first."
I can deal with that.
I'm bored with you now, anyway,
I'd rather you beg than talk to me that way.
So I pull you down deep.
I watch you twitch and fight
until you become still;
Your lifeless body is beautiful to me;
delicate, floating so gracefully.
Your eyes are still open;
I've never seen anything so lovely-
piercing and blue-
they'll haunt me for the way I tortured you.

I watch you sink,
and you're out of my sight.
Now I turn to the sky,
once again waiting-
always waiting;
Waiting for someone else to fly too high,
they always do.
There's always someone just like you.

-Lo-

Weekly Shout-Outs 02/07/09

2009-02-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

I still haven't quite figured out an accurate way to title these weekly blogs... maybe dating them is a good idea. I don't know.

That being said,I'd like to give a shout out to:

*Roy- for the voicemails you leave me when you talk like i am actually on the phone with you; for suggesting that i get black in my hair (and i TOTALLY did it! ask and you shall receive); for our conversation about Milka chocolate (you're welcome); for being my kindred spirit/bfff; for having 10 reasons why Boondock Saints is one of the greatest movies ever, and for the point you made that no one wants to watch ugly people; for having a moral code (i dig that about you); for loving Lydia, that makes my heart smile.

*Tracy Kirk- for doing awesome things to my hair. I love what you do.

*Most of the people I work with- for the dirty looks I get from you for the black streaks in my hair.

*Pasta Cafe- for rigatone ala vodka and chicken marsala... and for freaking delicious iced tea (a glass of which was prepared for me to take back to work.)

*Karl- the waitor at Pasta Cafe- for preparing said cup of iced tea.

*OPI- for the nail color "Lincoln Park at Midnight". it's my fave.

*Collin Underation- for lunch, for buying wheels and tires (once again, you totally have my permission to do that); for telling the BEST stories; for memories of tree shakers; for memories of late nights on msn messenger; and last but not least, FOR STANDING ME UP TODAY. tsk tsk tsk.

*Lone Tree Bible Ranch- for the peace i find when i am there; you will always be home to me.

*Christopher Michael Jackson- for our talk in the gym; for the sexiest dance moves i've ever seen in my life; for always being able to make me laugh. I'll say it again, you have one of the greatest hearts of anyone i have ever known. love you, man.

*Girlfriend- for the fact that Excedrin Migraine apparently makes you talk for an hour and a half straight; for being amazing; for your awesome ipod touch; for letting me 'cottage cheese' your butt at small group and the fact that it made you feel awkward and uncomfortable; for the way you ate the entire bowl of peas at camp this weekend.

*Jorge- for taking care of my Girlfriend, you are a good husband to her; for being understanding of my socially unacceptable views; for being able to catch peas in your mouth. that was neat.

*Misty Edwards- for the song "You Won't Relent". I can't stop singing it. or playing it on piano.

*Preston aka 'Pebo'- for helping me create a pen that will make us practically rule the world. we're going to the top!; for being able to make me laugh; for changing my life 4 years ago by bringing 5 (including you) amazing dudes into my life. i'm glad we are talking again after so very long.

*Dr. Dunn- you were the first doctor i have had (since doc mac) who actually would sit down and listen to me. i dig that; for being all the way in Lubbock, TX and for giving me reasons to leave Roswell. See you in 3 months!*the lady who did my bloodwork- first of all, you looked 11 years old, so you get a shout out for being a a female Doogie Howser; you also get a shout out for using what looked like a STRAW instead of a needle.

*Micah Dean Johnson- for the video you posted on my wall; for the songs you have written me; for late night taco bell and MXC; for sad goodbyes when you moved away; for being so persistant about having me come visit you (i'm saving money for that trip, i promise! it will happen!). I adore you.

*Lindsey Sheffield- for naming your dog Cheeseburger; for appreciating the fact that i am such a DORK (and for pointing it out to me on a semi-regular basis. haha!); for starting a garden; for being a dude who can cook; for being so very kind. p.s. i bought the American Psycho book today. haha!

*Andrew Thomas Young- for the fact that i know your middle name; for the fact that your phone is suspiciously dying almost every time we talk, or so it seems; for the movie invite, i hope it's good!; for not slapping me when i loudly called you a slut at the movie theater last night (did you see the dirty look that 90 year old ticket collecting lady gave me?); for teaching me how to correctly swing a racquetball racquet (now if i could only do it...); for rockin' the fedora.

*Frank- for telling me "that's how rapes get started" more than once this weekend; for knocking me down on the floor twice in the sanctuary (there were witnesses); for "freeze out", which you totally lost and are not man enough to admit.

*Daisy- for pooping in the middle of the street today when we went on our walk. (i promise, someday you will get a shout out that doesn't praise your bowel movements).

*Jenny- for the fact that we had to go to Wal Mart at 11:45 p.m. for chocolate milk (okay, AND contact solution, but let's be honest, you would have done without that); for reminding me every 9 minutes about book club; for the fact that you stole tennis rackets and now have 5-ish; for looking nice without wearing makeup, luckyyyyyy; for talking about wanting to watch Nacho Libre since before Christmas, and when we finally start to watch it, what do you do? fall asleep. haha

*LeAndra- for coming to Roswell!; for Operation Bearded Dragon; for bringing laughter into my life in a way that no one else can. i miss you, love.

*Sadie Anne- for your blog "The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said"- i have been quoting lines from the book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" all cotton-picking week.

*Taryn Jackson- for playing the dancing bunny game thing with CHEER PRECISION. it was beautiful to watch. i'd even go so far as to say enchanting.

*Cord and Tim- for helping me kill an hour of time at work by standing at my desk telling me stories about your sociopathic brothers. (i have awesome bosses!)

*Cord- for pointing out the difference between a 'lie' and a 'mistake'; and for telling me to stop feeling guilty about things. you know me better than that, though.

*Josh and Kyle (the Joshua Clothing boys)- for the personal hand-written note you mailed me. I'm taking it to work to post over my desk.

*Icarus- for the inspiration.

i'm tired.

if i missed any, i'll put them on next weeks shout outs.

lovelovelove

-Lo-

Weekly Shout-Outs

2009-01-29T20:42:00.000-08:00

I know it's only Thursday, but some weekly shout outs need to be made known...

With that being said, I'd like to give a shout out to:

*My boss, Tim- for asking me (in his fabulous British accent) if my top was on inside out today. (To which I replied, "Nope. No, sir, it isn't." and an awkward silence ensued.)

*Andrew- for amazing cd's, your fedora, my first "Zen" experience, and for allowing me to open the door to uncomfortable but necessary situations at your soccer game. (by the way, like i mentioned saturday, you were wicked graceful out there. you looked like a swan. a swan with mad soccer skills.)

*Roy- for the fact that your ring finger is longer than your middle finger; which evidently means you have higher levels of testosterone; for the songs,'Come in Closer' and 'Chameleon Boy' by Blue October; for early morning phone conversations that i look forward to, and for the BEST Borat impersonation i have ever heard.

*The back fax machine- you have made the list yet again. on tuesday, you took 45 MINUTES to NOT SEND a fax, and you almost made me late for class.

*Both the back and mail room fax machines- for conspiring against ONLY ME and figuring out ways to try and ruin my life.

*Mason Nelder- for physical therapy routines that slim down inches from my waist and thighs. HIGH FIVE!

*The 2 minute Air Bench at the end of Routine #1- I HATE YOU. (but thanks for helping me look and feel amazing.)

*Classics (formerly known as Caliches)- for MANGO VANILLA SPRITE.

*Sadie- for showing me the postsecret blog. and for being awesome. i miss you.

*The Gulbransen (i will give you a fitting name someday)- you haven't been tuned in over 2 years, but you still sound beautiful to me.

*ENMU-R- for deciding to get rid of, or "phase out" the paralegal program. i still have three semesters, you jerks.

*Chuck Palahniuk- for stories that open my eyes; and though they come across as dark and warped, they are beautiful, moving, and haunting. i dig your style.

*The Joshua Clothing boys, Josh and Kyle- for helping me with my situation and for appreciating my sense of humor.

*Bath and Body Works- for Body Cream. without you, my skin would be perpetually dry because i cannot use regular lotion. i can't even use YOUR regular lotion. so thanks for the Body Cream.

*Jessica Watts- for referring to me as the funniest person you know, or one of them. and for letting my dog poop on your carpet. (like you had a choice or something.)

*Parker Eiffert- for drinking a beer out of a baby bottle, and then saying it tasted like your mom's milk.

*The kid in Ms. Mac's class- for the following attempt at an example of onomatopoeia: "The ocean is salty." (good try. and i laugh HARD every time i think about it. thank you.)

*Avery White Multi-Purpose Labels- for allowing me to NOT use the typewriter under any circumstances.

*The Typewriter- welcome to 2009. now go away.

*My i-pods- i am glad you are both home safe.

*Simon and Garfunkel (or G-Funk)- for the song "The Boxer." I'm not sure why, but this is my favorite song of yours (followed closely by 'The Sound of Silence', let's be honest.) (Yes, Jenny, i am putting 'The Boxer' on a cd for you. yes, AND the Nacho Libre song.)

*Joseph Gordon-Levitt- for your performance in the movie 'Brick'. You've got moxie. I dig that.

*Deff Leppard- for the song 'I Miss You in a Heartbeat.' don't judge me.

*Braden Land- you, your guitar, and your satchel full of harmonicas rocked my friday night. you've got skills.

and last but not least

*Victoria's Secret- your 2009 swimsuit collection is MUCH better than last year's. i'm ordering more than one to make up for last year's piddly selection.

-Lo-

25 Random Things... these puppies never get old.

2009-01-29T20:35:00.000-08:00

Emily tagged me in this one. You'd think I'd run out of random things to say about myself, but it's not true, my friends. and don't judge me if i accidentally repeat something from the "16 random things" note.

1. i am wicked forgetful. it is a recent development, but i seem to forget everything that has to do with work or school... or things that were said in conversations, regardless of their importance. i can, however, remember movie quotes like you wouldn't believe.

2. i have also recently developed an allergy to alcohol and food. the alcohol doesn't bother me, i'm really not a drinker. but the food part kind of makes life less enjoyable.

3. i want to learn to freebord. (joshua, will you help me? josiah is being a little girl and won't do it with me.) I also want to learn how to skateboard and play guitar. all this year. also, it bothers me that there is not an 'a' in the word 'freebord'.

4. i like to pick on my mom. my favorite one thus far was the conversation in which i expressed a desire for a rather large and intricate tattoo. she's so easy to irritate. it's adoreable.

5. if i could, i would be a boondock saint. (no, roy, not their secretary.)

6. Leo Tolstoy changed my life. if i could have coffee and conversation with anyone from the past, it would be him. although, i would have to learn russian. i'm not above it.

7. if i could have pick anyone from the past to be my shopping buddy, it would be Oscar Wilde. (don't act like you wouldn't pick him too.)

8. i wish that i could do nothing but read, write, sing, and play piano for a living.

9. i carry a german dictionary around in my backpack in case i need it. not an english dictionary, though. yes, i am that person.(p.s. i haven't had a german class since high school. )

10. i say 'that's what she said' as often as possible.

11. i love volcom, roxy, j. roberts, and victoria's secret more than life itself.

12. i am passionate about long, beautiful, intricate sentences- the more commas and semicolons, the better.

13. i am afraid of not being good enough.

14. i like to do things for people. it makes me feel good.

15. i have a bad habit of unintentionally planning things with friends at the exact same times. because i forget. (see random fact #1)

16. i fear that i have lost hope in people, but there are an elite few who help me believe all is not lost.

17. i dig consistency (in people's behavior especially, but also consistency in beliefs and opinions.)

18. i don't talk just to fill silence. there is no point to empty words.19. i am still reading 6 books at once. haven't finished any of them yet, but i'm almost through with 'Haunted'.

20. i am different than anyone you will probably ever meet. some people like it. some people don't. i'm okay with that.

21. i form my own opinions about things. if i have an opinion about something, it's because i have thought about it a lot. i usually will not share my opinions unless i am asked because they tend to be atleast a little offensive, but typically only to people who are closed-minded.

22. i wanted to vote for Cookie Monster for president, and i would have, had there been a write-in portion on my ballot.

23. i like to be sung to.

24. i'm not a morning person. i don't believe the sun should come up until atleast 11:30.

25. i hate complaining. i try not to do it. things could always be worse.

-Lo-

The Last Goodbye

2009-01-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

I know I've really messed things up
and I'll reap what I sow.
I pushed this situation way too far,
and now I've got nowhere to go.
I'm at the end of my rope
And I know you think I didn't care-
But that's so far from the truth...
At the end of the day, my only happiness was you.
But I lied and pushed you away too much,
I know that's my mistake,
But Baby, I SWEAR I ache
For You

You said I quit too often,
That I gave up too easily.
But if you give me one more chance
I know you'll start to see
There is still some good in me.
You told me I've had infinite chances,
So then what's just one more?
I can be so much different-
Be who I was not before-
I just want to do what's right,
And Baby, I SWEAR I'll fight
For You

I offer you the same old lines
With sentiments that are appealing and sweet
I really think that I want to try
but I fail to follow through every time.
I know I've lied and run from you,
But I know I'm not the same;
And Baby, I SWEAR I'll change
For You

The way I treated you killed you inside
I'm aware of that now, you told me how
I drove a knife through your heart
And made you believe it was your own fault
I cut you with my words
I choked you with indifference
I did all I could to stifle your spark,
I wanted to feel that flame die in my hands,
That beautiful part of you I could never understand.
I know that I fell short and couldn't give you what you need
But Baby, I SWEAR I'll bleed
For You

I left you alone and took comfort in others
I made you feel guilty for wanting a friend
I wanted to be all you had and all you'd ever need
I never wanted you to find happiness outside from me,
Because I knew if you felt lonely you'd never leave my side-
It was my own insecurities, my own stubborn pride.
I cast you away, and now you're gone
And I'll be leaving soon;
But when I carry you with me,
I'm always home
And I'll always love you more than you'll know
But I SWEAR I'll live and die alone
For You

-Lo-

A Serpent's Creed

2009-01-20T22:48:00.000-08:00

You said you'd give Him everything-
You, with your shifty eyes, your forked tongue.
"Everything" is an absolute,
unaffected by what is convenient to you.
He offered you an escape,
He wouldn't let you be alone-
But you wanted a rescue,
not a stepping stone.

It's people like you
Who make me hate this place,
but we're not really all that different...
wicked with a smiling face.
You make me sick, you liar, you fake-
the face of an angel, the heart of a snake;
And right at the moment when all was at stake,
you made Him a promise you KNEW you would break.

Then you waited for Him to come take you home,
knowing He cared too much to let you suffer alone;
When all of a sudden you felt hands around your neck,
and you said, "But I've done nothing! Get me out of this mess!"
But that's just it, you've done NOTHING at all,
so why do you expect someone else to take the fall?
You just close your eyes and ears to truth
and allow pride to take over you.

You let those fingers close around your throat,
Forcing the life out, nice and slow.
And you wonder how He could let this happen to you-
alone with no hope of rescue.
How could He do this?
Let you fall?
Doesn't He care?
Do you matter at all?

You hate those cold, dead fingers around your neck,
but you haven't figured out who they belong to yet.
You scream, "It's the devil who's doing this to me!"
But examine it closer, you won't believe what you see.
You look like a fool putting the devil in his place
with your hands around your throat; indignant smile on your face-
Because you KNOW there's no way you have put yourself there.
You wonder, "Who did this? It just isn't fair."

But you broke a vow once consecrated,
Knowing He'll forgive you and love you anyway.
So you need to let go of the hopes you've created.
You promised Him a life alone, so keep it that way.

Paul talks about what is required of you,
so keep your hands clean, don't just talk, follow through.
YOU ARE BOUND TO A PROMISE THAT'S BIGGER THAN YOU.

And yet you cling desperately to your own selfish desires;
Choking yourself, adding fuel to the fire
of the hell you've created with decisions you made.
You are the culprit. You are to blame.

And I hate the way you laugh and smile;
Your forked tongue hidden behind your teeth;
A joyful laugh, but I hear the hiss underneath.

When He offered His hand, you struck, you bit,
pouring venom through his veins, but that's not the worst of it-
You crept inside Him, coiled around His heart,
And you squeezed until you ripped it apart.
Then you stood back and screamed.
He's dead on the floor.
Clenching your throat, you choke as He bleeds,
and you scream, "How could You do this to me?!
I've done nothing, I need rescuing!"
Desperate for comfort in a time of need,
You buy into your lies; a serpent's creed.

You deserve worse than hell for the things you've done.
Your justifications are useless, you're not fooling anyone.
You've deceived yourself into thinking you've done no harm,
and you've deceived others, it's part of your charm.
You deserve to suffer, I hope it hurts
And I hope that it haunts you every day.
This is what you get for breaking the only heart that matters-
This is the price you pay.

Sing your woes to someone who cares,
Life is a breath and you're choking on air;
And you sit in your trenches, waiting to be saved,
But you're killing yourself; you dug your own grave.
You bank on redemption because He makes things okay,
You did all of this yourself, and now you must pay.

Wickedness comes naturally, it's hard to do what's right.
You used to talk about being better than that,
but we lost you in the fight.
I have watched you become everything you hate.
You've got the face of an angel,
The heart of a snake.

-Lo-

Shout Outs

2009-01-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

I made a list of shout outs to people and things that I'd like to publically recognize:

I'd like to give a shout out to:

-My M.D. for giving me 943 prescriptions; none of which work. That's truly amazing. I'm not even mad.

-To Jenna and Kelsey- For freezing your butts off with me outside the Diamond Shamrock aftermidnight because I'm an idiot and locked my keys and phone in my car... and then we had to call the Pop-A-Lock Guys..

-To Manuel, the Pop-A-Lock Guy- Thanks for breaking into my car and allowing me to drive home from Albuquerque. You're welcome for the marijuana.

-To Daisy- Your little body crapped on the floor with the force of 9 Malamutes this morning. I was going to swat you, but we high-fived instead. And I gagged 3 times.

-To Tyleen- For introducing me to wine that tastes like candy

-To Walgreens- For selling the aforementioned wine.

-To my body- For developing a recent allergy to alcohol

-To Andrew- For conversations that SHOULD be awkward and for hot lunching Jenny's water glass.

-To Cord- I've never had a boss who teased me and made fun of me as much as you do. You make me laugh and look forward to my job.

-To Lizzie Borden- For allegedly killing your parents with an axe and giving me great material for a research paper to freak out my sophomore english teacher.

-To Mr. K- For being the worst English teacher ever. With all due respect, sir, you deserved the hell we put you through.

-To LeAndra- For the stunts you pulled with the desk. And because no one makes me laugh like you.

-To Tony- For the dimple. Enough said.

-To the back fax machine- For 10 consecutive modem failures when I tried to send a fax today. I think that's a new record.

-To static electricity- For allowing me to shock myself every time I touched something today, and for making my day worse.

-To BooBoo and "Lydia"- For keeping my heart happy- and for keeping me from screaming the longest stream of profanity in the history of swearing.

-To my Girlfriend- For your wisdom and beauty. You're the most selfless person I know.

-To Jenny, Woman (Sadie), and Jasmine- For bringing a disgusting amount of laughter and 'that's what she saids' into my life.

-To the back fax machine- For 3 more consecutive modem failures. I hate you.

- To myself- For forgetting everything I was supposed to do today atleast once.

-To my brothers- You boys are the most beautiful people I know. I'm so lucky to have you.

and Finally....

-To IHOP- For breakfast at all times of the day.

**EDIT

Additional Shout-Outs go to:

-The band Union Station- For their song "I Believe", supporting a message of love and unity... and for so freely using the "N" word.

-Christina Nicole Conway- For being my best friend, for walking into her bedroom to find me in my undies (and maybe a shower cap?) playing super nintendo (in high school), for late night taco bell, evenings spent on the rooftop, for always sending me cards and stuff in the mail, for being on Reno 911, for giving me a mouth hug that MEMORABLE night at Tyler's, for memories from Varsity cheerleading (and JV for that matter), for pursuing her dreams (i dig that), for working at Tia Juana's and getting me a job there, for Freedom Fest, for being my voice when I wasn't bold enough, for always loving me, for never being afraid to belch as loudly as possible, for some of the greatest memories i will ever have.

- Fwink Fwank Fwunk- For being damn near death and fatally ill for 10 straight days, but pulling through even though he had one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave. I applaud you, good sir. And for doing all kinds of algebraic word problems to figure out that my birthday is the 14th, not the 17th.

-To Travis Barker for this amazing, life changing video...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKQgDY0pZ68

check it out. it's flippin amazing.

that is all.

-Lo-

Blisters and Coffee

2009-01-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Anytime"- Brian McKnight

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"The Rescue"- Search the City

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"A Final Hit"- Leftfield

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"One Too Many Mornings"- Bob Dylan

WHAT'S YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?
"House of 1000 Corpses"- Rob Zombie

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Forever"- The Beach Boys

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Perfect Lie"- The Engine Room

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Cold (But I'm Still Here)"- Evans Blue

WHAT IS 2+2?
"All In All"- Lifehouse

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Pocketful of Sunshine"- Natasha Beddingfield

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Calling All Angels"- Jane Siberry & K.D. Lang

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"So Cold I Could See My Breath"- Emery

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"We Are"- Kids In The Way

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Sing to Me"- Run Kid Run

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"New Dark Ages"- Bad Religion

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"But a Breath"- The Wedding

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Already Over, Pt. 2"- RED

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Waste it On"- Silversun Pickups

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Feuer Frei"- Rammstein

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Shadows and City Lights"- Deas Vail

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Socio"- Stone Sour

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Flights"- Falling Up

THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Please Remember Me"- Tim McGraw

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Hide and Seek"- Imogen Heap

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Deliver Me"- Sarah Brightman

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"The Archers Bows Have Broken"- Brand New

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"God of This City"- Chris Tomlin

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"It Beats For You"- My Morning Jacket

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Second Chances"- Needtobreathe

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Simple Twist of Fate"- Bob Dylan

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Blisters and Coffee"- The Classic Crime

Somebody's Angel

2009-01-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

(This is what happens when you find your English notebook from Senior year)

Her heart's an ocean of sorrow
But no one sees her cry
Her pretty smile covers up
The way she feels inside
She may hold on to empty dreams
To help her stay alive
but she knows she's somebody's angel.

And she waits for that day
When words are not enough
When truth is told in silence;
She's hoping on that
she can't find on her own.
But, until that day,
Somebody's Angel is flying away.

She's waiting on a hero
To pick her up again
To take her far away from here
To save her from her pain.
And though it may seem hopeless,
She knows somebody's there,
And she knows she's somebody's angel.

And she waits for that day
When words are not enough
When truth is told in silence
She's hoping on that love
that she can't find on her own.
But, until that day,
Somebody's Angel is flying away.

She knows all the answers,
But she's not through asking 'Why?'
She's heard too many promises,
believed too many lies.
She's got so many questions,
but she still can't find the truth.
She only knows she's somebody's angel.

And she waits for that day
When words are not enough
When truth is told in silence
She's hoping on that love
that she can't find on her own.
But, until that day,
Somebody's Angel is flying away.

She may feel forgotten,
But in her heart she knows the truth-
She doesn't need the words 'I love you'
to be her only proof;
And though she may be lonely,
She knows that she is loved...
And she knows she's somebody's angel.

So, she waits for that day
When words are not enough,
When truth is told in silence,
She's WAITING on that love
that she can't find on her own.
But, until that day,
Somebody's Angel is flying away.

Surrender

2009-01-11T20:56:00.001-08:00

A well that tempts you, take a drink-
The harder you fight, the further you sink
into the riddle, into the rhyme.
You're stuck in the middle; you're out of time.
A quicksand of conundrum yields death unfurled,
Drowning promises made by the temporal world.

-Lo-

Song Lyrics

2009-01-09T22:59:00.000-08:00

I think music is the one of the greatest things ever. I have a billion favorite song lyrics, but these are some of the ones that have been tugging at my heart lately.... so I thought I would share them... and I hope you share yours as well.

"You've got all the love/ honey, baby, I can stand" -- 'Buckets of Rain'- Bob Dylan

"I will lie awake/ Lie for fun/ And fake the way i hold you/ Let you fall for every empty word i say"- ' Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis'- Brand New

"When you're flying high/ Take my heart along/ I'll be the harmony/ To every lonely song/ That you learn to play/ And when you're soaring through the air/ I'll be your solid ground/ Take every chance you dare/ I'll still be there/ When you come back down." --'When You Come Back Down'- Nickle Creek

"In every way you're beautiful/ From my heart" -- 'Praise & Adore'- Wavorly

"You are calm and reposed/ Let your beauty unfold/ Pale and white like the skin stretched over your bones/ Spring keeps you ever close/ You are second-hand smoke/ You are so fragile and thin/ Standing trial for your sins/ Holding onto yourself the best you can/ You are the smell before rain/ You are the blood in my veins" - 'The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot'- Brand New

"I ran off and ran on to something/ That I swore was anything but beautiful/ I only say that word for you"-- 'I Can Feel Your Pain'- Manchester Orchestra

"I used to be my own protection/ But not now/ 'Cause my path has lost direction/ Somehow" --'Valentine's Day'- Linkin Park

"When all our tears have reached the sea/ A part of you will live in me"-- 'Please Remember Me'- Tim McGraw

"It's in the way you sell/ Every word and phrase/ And leaving me to know/ how much the meaning weighs" -- 'Studying Politics' - Emery

"I remember that time you told me/ You said, 'Love is touching souls,'/ Surely, you've touched mine/ 'Cause part of you pours out of me/ In these lines from time to time"-- 'Case of You'- Joni Mitchell

"Every time I think of you/ I always catch my breath"-- 'Missing You'- John Waite

"With every mistake/ We must surely be learning"- 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps'- The Beatles"

Oh how I hope that you're happy/ I hear you're somewhere in the sand/ And how I wish I was an ocean/ Maybe then, I'd get to see you again"--'Oceans'- The Format

"When everything inside me/ Looks like everything I hate/ You are the hope I have for change/ You are the only chance I'll take" --'On Fire'- Switchfoot

"What have we learned/ It's the same old things/ That drive us here/ And never go away/ We are changed"--'Eastern Glow'- The Album Leaf

"Go to him/ Stay with him if you can/ But be prepared to bleed" --'Case of you'- Joni Mitchell"

How are we deserving this pain we are feeling?/ How are we deserving this pain with healing?/ And on trails these symphonies of agony.../ Cant you see? We're still demanding self-pity./ Look to the moves of the things surrounding./ We're the only ones, the only ones who keep from growing." -- 'I Will Welcome the Reaping" -Oh. Sleeper

I tag Sadie and Jasmine :)

An Apology (Ode to The Battered Wife)

2009-01-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

Countless times I’ve tried to talk to you,
I didn’t want it to be this way;
But I don’t have the courage
And there are some things I’ve got to say.
So I’m writing you this letter,
My apology,
Because I have noticed things
You probably think I never see.

I’m sorry that I lie to you-
I know I let you down.
I’m sorry for the way I act
when I don’t have you around.
I want you to know that I’m sorry
for the way that I behave,
and I really hate myself
for the awful things I say.

I’m sorry that I don’t treat you
like you mean anything to me;
and I know that you see sides of me
that no one else will see.
I’m sorry that I take advantage of you
in every possible way,
because I know that you’ll still be there
at the end of every day.

Know that you deserve
so much more than I can give.
My Battered Wife, I know
it’s not the way you want to live.
Know that you are loved
so much more than I let on.
My Battered Wife, you’ve been sunshine
when all the light was gone.

I’m sorry for the violence,
for my cruel and painful touch.
I hit you and you take it
because you love me that much.

Know that I don’t mean it
when I slap; when I shove;
My Battered Wife, I’m sorry,
it is I who doesn’t know love.

I don’t know what it means
to put your needs before my own,
and it’s never been that hard for me
to make you feel alone.

I’m sorry for the empty mess
I’ve caused your life to be;
I will promise you the world,
but my actions speak for me.

My Battered Wife, there’s so much more
than I could ever say,
so please accept this apology,
read it every day.
And though I know I’ll always be
the person that I am,
know that there’s a part of me
that truly understands
how much I hurt you-
inside I tear you apart;
I know a day does not go by
that I don’t break your heart.

I’m sorry that through all the pain
and constant let-downs,
My Battered Wife, you were so afraid to lose me
that you chose to stick around.
I’m so, so sorry for all I’ve done,
that I’ve caused such hurt and sorrow.
My Battered Wife, I’m sorry most of all
that I’ll be the same tomorrow.

I make you hurt because I hurt,
and it’s hard for me to see
that, though my pain feels like too much to bear,
the world won’t stop for me.

No one cares how much I hurt
or whether I’m alive or dead.
I heard a song long ago,
And I believe it was Keith Green who said,
“If I could, I would protect you
From what you will see;
For the world will promise love and beauty,
But it lied to me.”

My Battered Wife, I push you away
because I’ve suffered so-
And I’m afraid to let you in,
and I’m afraid that I will start to show
the evidence of hope and love
in my speech and how I act.
The hope of change is a heavy burden;
my pride’s too strong for that.

Know that I’m disgusted
with who I’ve come to be.
My Battered Wife, you’ve truly been
the only good in me.

I’m sorry for my temper,
I wish you only knew
how much I wish that I could change,
it’s so unfair to you.

I painted rage upon your face,
your arms, your feet, your side.
My Battered Wife, I’m sorry,
it’s because of me you died.
I’m so, so sorry for all I’ve done,
that I’ve caused such hurt and sorrow.
My Battered Wife, I’m sorry most of all
that I’ll be the same tomorrow.

16 Random Things

2008-12-28T00:31:00.000-08:00

Sadie tagged me in this a billion years ago. (Some are repeats from my 6 Things post.)

1. I can't function if my hands are dirty. I shut down.
2. I am currently reading atleast 6 books at one time.
3. I think I might be in love with someone I've never met; I have only heard him sing and therefore believe we are destined to be together.
4. After reading A Clockwork Orange, I began to wish I were a 15 year old Brittish thug.
5. I love dancing but never get to do it.
6. I love whimsical light fixtures.
7. I think John Malkovich is a pedophile. He looks like one.
8. I occasionally have date nights with my brother Josiah. They are one of my favorite things.
9. I like to pencil in facial hair (and speak in accents) whenever I get the chance.
10. I let my dog eat off my fork. (she takes the food with her teeth like a person... without the slurping and licking. it's amazing.)
11. I like movies and books that make me sad and if most people generally don't like a movie or book, it makes me like it more.
12. I like to paint my pinky fingernails black and pretend I'm starting a new trend.
13. I think I'm germophobic. I have noticed that I will cover my hands with my sleeves to open doors and touch things in public places.
14. I love the color pink.
15. I wear flip flops all the time-- even when it's snowing.
16. I think romance is fictional.

(Now go post yours because I want to read them!)

-fin-

Beauty Lost

2008-12-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

(for your birthday tomorrow. i miss you.)

He paints his life with blood, so thick and red;
A man whose life is filled with broken dreams.
The only thing that hears his silent screams
Is chanting, “You are nothing,” in his head.
He looks for beauty, longing to be led
Away from empty words and broken dreams;
A faceless portrait, silent as it seems,
Will scream to fill a void until it’s fed.

Beauty lost.

He looks for beauty only finding pain;
His desperate searching makes him hate his art.
Until he finds a love that breaks his chains,
A man without a face is torn apart.
He’ll wipe away the blood that left a stain,
And paint the canvas of his broken heart.

Beauty lost.

Those Crazy Brits

2008-12-02T19:02:00.001-08:00

This changed my life.

Whoever Believes You Can't Love a Dog Like You Love a Person is, for lack of a better word, WACK.

2008-11-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

The one true desire I have in my life is to be a mother. All of my life I knew and believed that I would fall in love, marry young, and start having children immediately. I wanted to be a young mom.

I was 20, two weeks from 21, when I got married, and I wanted so badly to have a baby as soon as possible. Everyone said "practical" things like, "You need to wait," "You need to finish school first," "You need more time to get to know Derrick." Well, bless their hearts, that may be what they think for themselves, but their opinions don't really account for where I am in my life. Derrick and I were just married, yes, but when are you ever REALLY prepared for kids? There are always justifications- finances, careers, personal issues... This is what I have always wanted, so thank you for your concern, but you don't know what's best for me.

Several months went by with no success. I was bummed, but I knew that it would probably take a little more time than just a few months. Well, then I started having some medical complications. I started going to a doctor for these problems and she told me that I should start seeing a Gynecologist about the issues I was having. So I did.

No one really knows what is wrong or what is going on. All they have been able to deduce is that there is a problem, and all they have done is treat the symptoms. Well, about a year ago, the Gynecologist told me that my ovaries weren't working like they were supposed to, and that it didn't look like I was going to have children any time soon. He said it probably isn't impossible, but that it would be extremely difficult because of the way my body was functioning.

I was devastated.

Derrick sat down with me that night and tried to console me the best he could, but it was going to take some time to get through this one. I was so hurt and upset and I was angry with God because He KNOWS it's what I want most in this life. How can He take that away from me? I told Derrick that I was really angry with God, and he said something that humbled me so much. He said, "I'm sure He knew you would be." That hit me like a slap in the face. In this life, what I want and what I think is important holds no bearing compared to what God has planned, and I'm so ashamed of myself for being so selfish.

I realized that it's not about what I want, but a lot of times, knowing what's right doesn't make things any easier. I was still really depressed. And what made it worse was that everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant... The absolute worst part, though, was seeing girls still in high school, or who had just graduated, who were very, very pregnant and not the least bit excited about it. It was really disheartening for me.

When I came home from work a few days after my discussion with Derrick, he had a surprise waiting for me. I walked into the den to find this-

(Forgive me for the quality of the picture, I took it with my phone, and the camera was awful.)

From the moment she arrived in our home, Daisy Mae has brought such joy to my heart and to my life. I'm a firm believer that no one can love you like your dog loves you. Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 days, she is always, ALWAYS so overjoyed when I walk through the front door.

She is never mean or ugly. She never makes me cry. Sunshine follows her wherever she goes. All she wants to do is be with me- play with me, love me. I realize this sounds sappy and ridiculous, but she truly was a blessing from God.

Dogs always love you. They are always happy to see you. They NEVER point out your faults. They are truly wonderful and amazing creatures, and I don't know where I would be without my little angel.

She helped save me. I thank God for her.

Run, Leo, Run

2008-11-20T21:57:00.001-08:00

I watched "Catch Me If You Can" for the first time tonight, and it was interesting because the whole idea of it seemed to kind of coincide with an event that happened at work this week. A hacker tried to tap into our company's bank account. We know it wasn't someone from our office because:

1. No one in our office is that smart or that STUPID.

2. No one in our office is that desperate.

3. We had our computer tech check the server and no one tried to hack into the online banking.

Anyway, I give the movie two thumbs up. But ONLY because he becomes a decent guy in the end. Because people really make me sick sometimes. And I'm irritated because now I have to be handed a paper check every week instead of having it direct deposited into my account. How inconvenient.

Thanks a ton, hackers of the world. Thanks a friggin boat load.

Things I Discovered Today

2008-11-19T21:46:00.000-08:00

1. I prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola... but I prefer Coca Cola products... i.e. Dr. Pepper, Sprite... I had a Pepsi today at lunch and my tastebuds were overjoyed. I then had a Coca Cola when I got to work and I realized it wasn't as good.

2. I really don't know what I want to do with my life. But I kind of have to figure something out because I have a meeting with an advisor at the college tomorrow afternoon.

3. It takes about 3 days for my body to completely re-coop from an hour and a half of racquet-ball after not doing anything physical for like 3 months. So probably about a day for every month of inactivity. Don't quote me on that, math's not my forte.

4. I really really really miss Massachusetts.

5. Note to self--Don't wear the long tunic over jeans again to work- you will get made fun of.

Somewhere In Dreamland

2008-11-18T21:56:00.000-08:00

When Derrick and I first started going grocery shopping for ourselves after we got married (the first time I've ever really had to do that for myself as it was), we always stocked up on frozen pizzas. Namely, Totino's brand, because they are relatively cheap and delicious. Looking at the pizza, I remembered it being bigger.

You see, Totino's pizzas are not JUST yummy and cost-efficient. They also take me back to when I was about 4 or 5 years old. My family and I were living in Galveston, TX, in an apartment complex. Every Friday night, my mom would prepare 2 Totino's pizzas and we would watch TGIF- a program that would premiere shows such as: Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Full House. Those were such happy times.

I look at this pizza now and the sensation is bittersweet... because though they bring back fond memories, they are not very big, and my parents made 2 feed a family of 5. Which only shows me that they probably went to bed hungry sometimes.

I've had talks with my mom about our financial situation growing up. We kids never had any idea that my parents struggled so hard to get by. And I think of how many times I probably made my mom cry herself to sleep because I was embarrassed that she bought me the cheap, ugly school supplies instead of the flashy cool ones that would make everyone be my friend and want to sit by me. I used to get so upset with my mom and dad for not letting me have things- cooler clothes, fancier school supplies, a nicer vehicle... when the truth of it was, they fought as hard as they could to get me the things I had. And I was so ungrateful and unsatisfied.

We just never had any idea... we always had plenty of food to eat, we always had a nice, clean, comfortable home, we always had presents at Christmas and on our birthdays. I just wish that I could have thanked them more for what they did.

This is a cartoon that I used to watch when I was little. It's a precious little cartoon that boths saddens and warms my heart, but it always takes me back and makes me remember how beautiful my parents are, and how much they did for me when I didn't deserve it.

Six Things

2008-11-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

Sadie tagged me, so I am now going to post six random facts about myself...

1. I have uneven nostrils. I know what you're thinking, what's the big deal? I understand that one arm is slightly longer than the other, one ear is slightly larger than the other, it's just how the human body is. But I used to be (okay, so I still am sometimes) WICKED self-conscious about it. Granted, as self-conscious as I may be, I'm usually the first person to point it out or make a joke about it. I once took a picture of my nostrils and sent it in a text to my friend Chrissy (who may have been the first person to point out my embarrassing flaw) just giving her an update on my nostril status. Still uneven. They sometimes remind me of the book The Witches by Roald Dahl, which was one of my absolute favorites growing up. The reason for this is their nostrils are supposed to be large and shaped like sea-shells.

Check out the piece of work in the corner on your left side. that's what my right nostril looks like... roughly. I'd post a picture of my own nostrils, but I'd rather let your imaginations run with it.

2. When I was little, I was always really picky about the jeans that I wore, mainly in the crotch-al region. I HATED that the zipper poked out, and I was afraid that people would think I was a boy. (I fell asleep with gum in my mouth. The gum subsequently ended up in my hair. My hair had to therefore be cut very short.)

3. I positively CANNOT function if my hands feel dirty. If my hands feel at all dirty, I ball them up into fists until I can get to the nearest sink. I get made fun of at work because I wash my hands an obscene amount of times per day. I'm that way about my feet too, if I feel like there is dirt or yuckiness (especially between my toes), I curl my feet up and wash them as soon as I possibly can...

followed quickly by a good hand-washing.

4. I prefer the idea of being pretty and groomed to actually doing it. I like to have painted nails and tweezed eye brows and shaved legs, but the truth is, I only paint my nails when I have nothing else to do, and I usually only do my pinkies and pretend that I'm starting a new trend; I only tweeze my eyebrows when the hair is starting to grow on my eyelids (you're welcome for the gross visual); and I only shave my legs when I can start to see the hair really well.... from a distance (again, you're welcome.) And I have no problem wearing my cute cropped capri pant-thingies to work with nasty wooly legs.

5. I love Victoria's Secret. My friend Amanda once predicted that in 10 years I would own Victoria's Secret. Because I owned so many of their products.

6. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and make different decisions....

I would.

A Touch of the Ludovico Technique

2008-11-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

I am very fond of the idea of the changing and unchanging nature of mankind. One of my favorite books (and movies) is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. Now, if you have seen the movie, you probably think I am a sick and strange person. But once you push past the smut and the "nekkids", you are faced with this picture:

A teenage boy living in a socialistic England commits acts of violence and debauchery and gets arrested. He gets treatment and is presented with an opportunity to become a better person.

Now, I am interested with both directions taken. In the book, Alex goes back to his ugly, ultra-violent lifestyle, but later, in the final chapter, he realizes he wants to be a better man. The movie cuts out the final chapter of the book, so we are left with Alex remaining a cruel and wicked young man.

I love both of those ideas. Because they are both so true in today's world. Some people, when forced to look at their own lives, will come to the realization that they are not the people they should be, and they will learn and grow from there. Then there are people (the majority of people in my opinion), who will either do what is right for a while, just because it was temporarily satisfying, or they will not change at all for a few reasons...

1. The change is too difficult to make. It is much easier to live like we are accustomed to living, which is often times why criminals always end up back in jail.

2. The change does not bring about the necessary results. Being a good person didn't make me feel good. I wasn't any good at being good.

3. The change is inconvenient. Being a good person is not going to really get me the things that I want when I want them (which is right now).

I have lumped the majority of people in the "unchanging" category. Especially Americans. Because only in America (okay, lots of places) can we get away with it. Americans are typically the only people I know of who are encouraged to be set in their ways, because it's your God-given right.

The catch is that in order to have functional relationships, you must be willing to change and grow and learn. And you must be willing to accept the fact that you can be wrong. That you can make mistakes. You must be able to love someone more than yourself.

And the sad thing is... I don't think people are willing to do that as much anymore. I think that people, especially Americans, are raised with the idea that you have to be satisfied right now and if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't satisfy you every minute of every day, then it "wasn't meant to be." We give of ourselves less and less and expect from others more and more.

But despite how hopeless it all seems to try and find goodness in manking, what makes it so interesting is that you can never really know for sure. There is always a chance you will be pleasantly surprised.

It’s a Bob Dylan Christmas!!

2008-07-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

If Bob Dylan had a Christmas album, these are the songs I think he would feature:

1. Tangled Up Under the Mistletoe
2. Baby Jesus, Stop Crying
3. Sleigh, Lady, Sleigh
4. All the Tired Reindeer
5. Baby, Let Me Follow You Down to Bethlehem
6. Manger Blues
7. The Bells They are A-Chimin'
8. See that My Sleigh is Kept Clean
9. Ballad of a Jolly Man
10. Too Much of Nothing (In My Stocking)
11. Buckets of Rain To Water my Tannenbaum
12. Blizzard

and finally

13. Baby, I'm in the Mood for Yule (featuring Amy Grant)

Feel free to contribute your own Bob Dylan Christmas songs.

Premeditated

2008-07-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

I recently read The Host by Stephenie Meyer, and it has caused me to realize things about my life. Namely that I think my dog is actually a human child implanted into the body of a Terrier. She does the funniest things, things that I see children doing.

For example, Daisy and I have our morning routine during the work week. It goes something like this:

My alarm goes of at 6:40 a.m.

I think about calling in.

I hit the snooze button.

My alarm goes off 4 more times (and I snooze-button the crap out of every one of them).

I finally decide to get out of bed at 7:30.

I think about calling in.

I get in the shower. While I shower I think about calling in.

I get out of the shower, get dressed, and apply makeup (while thinking about calling in).

Then I put mousse in my hair and blow-dry it upside down. (This is the part where Daisy goes and gets her tennis ball. While i'm upside down she tosses me her ball and I throw it for her to fetch.)

Well, one morning, things were going as they usually do. When it got to hair drying time, I looked around for Daisy, but she wasn't around. I assumed she was still in bed, as she sometimes is as a result of drinking too many cocktails the night before.

I didn't see her until I was doing last-minute touch ups on my face and hair, and even then I wasn't looking directly at her, I saw her come into the bathroom out of the corner of my eye. I saw that she was standing beside the toilet and then I heard what sounded like water being lapped... and I was immediately angry that she was drinking out of the toilet. So I yelled at her.

But she wasn't drinking out of the toilet. Instead, she was standing beside the toilet, concentrating very hard on the inside of the bowl. I glanced into the toilet and lo and behold, I spot one of her squeaky toys sinking to the bottom. This was the first time she'd ever done anything like that, though I'd seen her try to do it before. She would walk up to the toilet, toy in mouth, and try to drop it in, but I always grabbed it before she could actually drop it in there.

That day I discovered that my dog, my irritatingly brilliant little dog could act on premeditated thoughts.

Since the toilet incident, I have seen her try to achieve the same thrill several times with her tennis balls and stuffed animals, but she hasn't always been successful.

Oh Daisy... what would I do without you?

Modern Day Christians Make Me Sick

2008-06-28T23:29:00.001-07:00

Here's the thing: All of my life I have known God. I was raised knowing and believing that He is my only hope in this life. Believing hasn't really ever been a problem for me. My struggle has always been with "the church" and who they portray Christ to be.
I'm so sick of modern day christians who judge the people around them and their salvation based upon how many appearances they make at an organized church service... or the people who watch to see if you drop anything into the offering basket... or heaven forbid you don't stand up when everyone else is, dress to the hilt, or stay awake through the whole thing.
I'm sick of the christians who boast and brag-- who claim that they are content with where they are in their walk and don't need any help. No one should ever be content, they should always want more. God deserves better than that. I'm fed up with christians who talk about how they will act when they get to see God... or if they had the chance to spend time with Him... nowhere in the scriptures was anyone excited to see Him actually come... because though they loved Him, they feared Him so. And you can always spend time with Him. Why do modern day christians think God is their buddy? Apparently giggling and holding hands is the attitude most people present when faced with the hypothetical situation of being in the presence of our King. I would be on my face, probably too overcome with fear and awe to giggle. Do people truly buy into this? Has who He is truly become so watered down that it could almost pass for a primetime sitcom where the young boy gets to meet his favorite sports star? It disgusts me.
There was a time in my life when I believed this. I bought into the hype and the nonsense-- a world full of fallacy and blindness. I watched everyone around me become "immersed in the Spirit". I watched them rock and sway and speak in a "prayer language." And all the time I was wondering "What's wrong with me? Why don't I have that?" Truth be told, I believe God saved me from that. Something I have come to learn about "praying in the Spirit" is that it is a mockery of who God is. Even the phrase "praying in the Spirit" sounds blasphemous to me. If the Spirit of God approached you speaking nonsense, what would your reaction be?
The whole point of "prayer languages" is self-glorification. I've discussed this issue with people who use a "prayer language" and they told me that it wasn't given to everyone, just the people who need it. They told me that it was an intimate thing just between you and God. Well, I see no problem with that. The only problem I have with that is if it's just for you and God, then why speak it into a microphone? What is that proving? Is it just a way to show everyone how intimate with God you are? Because I don't buy it. I think if it's meant to be between you and God, then that's all that should hear it.
God responds to REALNESS. Real words. Real feelings. Real love... because that is what He gives to us.
Laying of hands and annointings kind of rub me the same way. My opinion is (ESPECIALLY if I don't know you), keep your hands off me. You're no cleaner than I am, I don't care who you are. I could elaborate more on this, but I've got a long way to go so I'm moving on.
I used to feel like that was all good stuff. God stuff. There was a time when I KNEW He wanted me to go to FIRE: School of Ministry, and I KNEW He wanted me to go to Syria as a missionary, a restricted area where christians are killed, and I KNEW that I wanted to be martyred... now I look back (having done none of these things) and I realize- why would God want me to go to a country and share my faith when first of all, there was an obvious language barrier (now I know that there were times in the Bible where God provided in those situations, but bear with me), and secondly, I have a difficult time sharing my faith with people I know... or Americans in general. It's easier for people to go to other countries and christianize them because they don't hear it everyday.
I had countless opportunities to share Christ with a friend of mine in High School. He believed christianity to be a cult. I never knew what to say to him, and I was afraid of him rejecting me, so I kept my mouth shut. He killed himself. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and know that I wasn't there for him like I should have been. And I don't want to say that things would have been different if I had shared the love of Christ with him because at some point in every person's life, God presents Himself to you, and it doesn't involve other people at all. It wasn't my job to save him. But I could have loved him better.
I'm tired of christians who fail to see that it's actually harder to talk about God in a place where christianity is accepted but not always chosen. And people think they're doing God a favor. Not that I'm saying they were wrong. Missionaries do great work for people. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work, and a great deal of humility and servitude. I believe God truly does use people sometimes, but the bottom line is He doesn't need us to do anything for Him... except love Him and obey Him. And christians get the wrong idea thinking it's our job to fix people. There so many things wrong with that.
I'm sick of christians who candy-coat our Maker-- who think that christianity is supposed to be fun and easy... and they give up when they discover that it isn't because OBVIOUSLY God would not allow us to have to WORK AT IT. It should just come easy. It is rarely easy and fun to do the right thing, even putting religion aside and basing decisions strictly on morals and ethics, it's not easy to do what's right. It's like obeying our parents... not fun... not easy... but it's rewarding. They expect our obedience and they deserve it.
Martyrdom... martyrdom is okay when no one knows about it. Then it can't be about you. In Jesus' case, that was okay, because it really was about Him, if you think about it. Dying for God's glory would be amazing, but it's a heck of a lot easier to talk about it than to actually be in a situation where you're experiencing it. I used to get a magazine, I forget what it was called, but it was full of stories about NATIVE people in foreign countries (notice, I didn't say americans) who were christians and were persecuted for it. One man had a baptismal tub in his front yard for people who became saved and wanted to be baptized. He was threated several times to take it down. Not verbally, mind you. He was beaten severely. But he kept putting it back up when the soldiers tore it down. His body was mangled when they were through with him. I saw pictures of him. There's actual pain and suffering involved in matryrdom that I think most people, especially americans would find hard to stomach, and even harder to sit through. I don't think God wants us to willingly put ourselves in those situations just for the sake of dying. And personally, I would not want that for myself if I knew that I would be recognized or praised for it, because it's not about me. I believe that we prove more to Him about how much we love Him through the way we live than the way we die.
I'm sick of Wednesday and Sunday christians. I'm sick of Holy Day of Obligation christians. I'm sick of youth pastors who talk about Metallica in a salon during the week, but jam out to David Crowder on Wednesday night. You don't fool me.
I'm sick of christians who "feel His presence" when everyone is around, but probably wouldn't know His presence if it came up and bit them in the face.
I'm sick of christians who blame their sin on drugs and alcohol. I know non-believers who are better than that. Everything we do is based on a CHOICE that WE make OURSELVES, and God doesn't deserve to be lied to. My ethics teacher said something that I will always remember. He said, "You are, right now, exactly who you want to be." How can you argue with that? If you truly want to be different, you would be.
I'm sick of christians who believe Heaven is their goal... who only want to get through this life to get there. My opinion of Heaven is, yes, I would love to get there, but I want it to be because God deserves it- not me. I want Him to be loved that much. I want to get there to glorify Him, not so I won't rot in damnation for eternity. That's what I deserve.
I'm sick of christians who BRAG about their former lives. Christians who are too boastful and self-glorifying to be ashamed. That's the problem I have with testimonies. No one needs to know your BAGGAGE. So what if it makes them feel better that someone else did the same things they did and still appears to have an intimate relationship with God. The scriptures teach that He will meet you where you are, that He will love you in your darkest. Hearing that someone else has the same baggage as you ONLY helps you justify your own. I want my relationship with God to be my own. It's no one else's business what I've been through or where I am now or where I am going to be.
I'm sick of the christians who never run out of things to say. Christians who are all talk but are scared to even think about doing. Jesus lived to set an example for us. The lesson was not to SPEAK the way He spoke, but to LIVE the way He lived. Most people learn early on that words mean nothing. We can say we believe in God all day long, but at the end of the day, what we DO and what we SAY are the things that speak for us to God and everyone around us. And which do you think says more?
I'm fed up with christians who think going to church and reading the Bible are surefire ways to enter the Kingdom of God. I believe it was Keith Green who said, "Going to church doesn't make you a christian, just like going to McDonald's doesn't make you a hamburger." My dad and I have talked about this, and he told me, "I guarantee you there will be people in Heaven who have never read the scriptures, or who have never heard a preacher pounding on the pulpit." And I believe that. Because I have SEEN a preacher make the mistake of holding the Bible in the air and saying, "This is God." Can you see a problem with this? It would be like the President writing a letter and someone holding it up and saying, "This is the President." It's NOT the same.
The scriptures are a great tool, but they are not God. And I'd hate to ever make the mistake of getting them mixed up. Or getting so caught up in trying to find Him in His book, that I miss the realness of Him altogether. He's bigger than that.
Prayer in schools is another issue I have. I'm tired of getting petitions to send to the President to reinstate prayer in school.... for christians... No one seems to get the fact that NOTHING STOPS YOU FROM PRAYING. EVER. It's all a production. And besides, if prayer in school was reinstated, it would have to apply to EVERYONE. Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus.... even people who worship the devil would be allowed to have organized prayer in school. And PS, what about "See you at the pole"? That seems pretty organized to me. And strictly for christians. I'm sure that if something like that were to be in effect for another religion, the christians would somehow have a huge problem with this. It would have to be universal, aaaaaaaand I'm pretty sure the christians wouldn't want that.
I'm tired of christians who make excuses. It's okay that we sin and do the wrong things because God will forgive us. So go ahead and keep doing things wrong. He'll still love you. Just try a little harder to do what's right. Maybe next time you'll get it. But if you don't, hey, it's no big deal, Jesus died for you, remember? And by the way....

every day He rescues you is another day He dies.

So keep nailing Him to that cross. Keep talking about how easy and fun it is. I'm sure you'll be well rewarded for it. Then you can brag to your friends about your struggle with alcohol, raising those hands to Heaven that were holding drugs and booze a solid 9 hours before church started... but make sure you're in the front row so people can see you.

Otherwise no one will believe you are

a christian.

*** Just as a note...

The whole point of that blog was to voice my frustrations with today's christian church. Granted, there were a lot of things that I could have said with more eloquence, it wouldn't have changed the meaning behind it. It was simply a frustrated opinion of how many christians really behave.
Know this, i feel compelled to say that out of frustration came the phrase "I am sick of..." When the truth of the matter is, I should have said, "I believe God is sick of..."
Also know this: I'm sick of things I see in myself. I'm tired of being less than what God deserves, and I'm sick of coming to Him at the end of each day knowing that I hadn't done all I could to make His heart smile. Know that my frustrations lie within myself first and foremost, and that while it may have seemed like a condescending standpoint, it was not intended to be so. It was intended to point out areas that are in desperate need of change.
Folks, you're not going to hurt my feelings if you don't agree with me, trust me. I'm anxious to hear your thoughts. But try not to take what I said out of context, and try not to misinterpret what I wrote. Take whatever sinks in, discard from your mind whatever doesn't.
I encourage you all to be mindful of the things you say and the way you behave. If you're a christian, know that you're not only living with Christ in you, but you're a reflection of who He is, and the things you do affect the way people look at Him, like, as a child, the things you do affect the way people look at your parents. Just take heed of the things you say and do, even if you're non-religious. You never know who's watching.