Dream Weaver

I have had a terrible time sleeping lately. Part of this is due to my 7 month old, 75 pound great dane puppy who believes it is absolutely necessary to sleep with her head on my pillow and the rest of her body on top of me in order to achieve a good night's sleep; but also, I think, because the tv gets left on throughout the night. I usually fall asleep watching obscure shows about people disappearing and being kidnapped. It's thrilling. It is a show called "Disappeared" and it comes on the Investigation Discovery channel and is entirely true. Which is why I'm drawn to it.

My friend Ashley says it isn't good to fall asleep with the tv on because your brain doesn't stop processing what is going on around you, and with the tv on, it makes it harder for you to rest (or something along those lines); which sounds kind of weird, but even if a team of scientists came up to me and declared that information to be entirely false, I wouldn't believe them. Because it makes perfect sense.

(I've also been obnoxiously ill, which is never enjoyable.)

You'd think the answer to getting a better night's rest is obvious. Either make Belladonna sleep in her own bed (which she tries to do, but I love her and spoil her accordingly), let the dog have the bed (I refuse to lose that battle to my dog), or fall asleep watching something different; which I also refuse to do, unless something about serial killers is on tv... on the biography channel they sometimes have a show on called "Notorious" (a show which my boyfriend secretly wishes to be featured on one day. But not to worry). "Notorious" features serial killers and will usually have something exciting like live footage or personal interviews if the featured killer has not been subject to capital punishment. Dreadful thing, capital punishment.

I am drawn to these shows because it is so intruiging to me how the human mind works. How does one become a sociopath? Do they just wake up one day, bored, and develop a bloodlust? Surely they're not born that way. I cannot picture a toddler learning about shapes and colors and dwelling on crimes of violence. It would be an interesting social experiment. (Although I'm sure federal funding is used for worse things.)

Watching "Disappeared" gives me lots to think about before I sleep, like "how many of these people disappear because they want to?" If I could pull it off, I would probably do it. At least for a little while. Shortly after the life-ruiner I was once married to decided to get caught cheating and set me free from my matrimonial misery, I contemplated an adventure similar to Christopher McCandless' Alaskan journey. How liberating would it be to burn all your money, abandon responsibility, and disappear from society?! Abandoning the thought of ever having to meet the expectations of others (which we are forced to do, whether we believe it or not), pleasing people, and being caught in the whirlwind of the economical ladder is something that tugs at my heartstrings. The lesson he learned is "happiness only real when shared", but I'd like to discern that for myself, thank you very much. Because people suck.


Maybe tonight will be more restful; however with the things I pollute my mind with, it's a shocker that I don't wake up in tears, or screaming... or journalling crimes of violence.

blow

(A terza rima)

I am the only thing you can't control.
I'll be what you desire; I aim to please.
I have a face and hands, but not a soul;
I'll spend my time becoming your disease.
I'll change directions, make you lose your way.
I'll lie to you and bring you to your knees.
When everyone around you leaves, I'll stay.
I'll disprove all the truths that you believe,
expose the things you're too ashamed to say...
I'll make you wish you never learned to breathe.

(I watch you blow and blow... you always change)


--lo

отец

(A Rondeau)

'Baby, baby, my baby...' he cries,
For a broken-hearted girl, tears in her eyes;
A helpless father who planted a seed-
Taught her about the only love she'd ever need.
'My daughter, this world offers love, but it lies.'

Searching for answers to help her, he tries
To call on his Maker, who sadly replies
'I'm sorry, your lives are your own to lead;
Baby, baby, my baby...'

Protecting a world that was dying inside,
He made the earth shake, blacked out the sky.
To sacrifice for a world in need,
He gave a piece of Himself- the part that would bleed.
His heart was broken as He watched His son die-
'Baby, baby, my baby...'


--Lo

Twist

Around your legs
Serpent swings
Quietly sings,
'Don't move, don't breathe'
Because heat turns to hate
When it's twisted.
And you WILL hate.
I control the curling snake,
It smiles when it feels you shake;
And you're scared that I know
Your legs will break
If they're twisted.
And you WILL break.
You'll hide from me
And I'll regret the choices I make-
Though I do it for you,
Always for you.
Closing in around your throat,
Wring you clean,
Don't move, don't breathe-
Because you'll turn into me
When we're twisted,
And we'll twist 'til we bleed.


--Lo

Skull & Bones

You fill your days
eyes on the page
Words to forget
a truth that stays
Forever in the back of your brain...
and you hope these words
can numb your pain.
Fill your head with fiction
to take your mind off you,
But everything in front of you,
Everything you ever knew
is poison.

Spend your time
transfixed by a screen
Lost in the stories,
things not what they seem
Forcing your troubles to the back of your brain...
but stories and songs
only dull the pain.
Fill your thoughts with fantasy,
with things that can never be-
But everything you hear and see
is poison.

Surround yourself with laughter
with those who have no cares
Who feed emptiness to their souls
whose hearts are callous and cold...
And as the waters rise around you
You'll wish they only knew
That everything they were to you
was poison.

If poison is in all you hear
and all you see
and the people you're near,
Then how can you be anything
but toxic?


--Lo--

Faces

It puts the smile on
hides the hurt
tries to please
It puts the frown on
force the blame on you
to cover its disease
Its angry eyes
say you’re no good
they say you’re to blame
It tells you
you’re the culprit
“call me Broken- it’s my name.”
It makes you sorry
It makes you sick
to know you need more
then It’s sorry eyes
come out from hiding
to drag you back where you were before.
It puts the smile on.

--Lo

Mirrors

Swing my fists
try to break the glass
but another day like this will pass
you want to be different
always the same
count all your faces
know them by name
empty eyes
hide your face
laugh it off
hate this place
afraid to get stuck
scared to move
too much to change
so much to prove
weightless words
ignore the cost
promise broken
promise lost
see your mouth move
lose what you say
you have your golden moments
they always go away
swing my fists
to break you free
but my days are growing longer
and I’m tired of what I see



-Lo

What We Do

Alone, a young woman stands naked in place
in a crowd without an unfamiliar face,
they gather around her, cheering;
hoisting her in the air,
they carry her through a red desert
and they intend to leave her there.
They hold her and tell her that
she is their treasure-
cheering louder, grasping tighter,
they offer her their pleasures.


A handsome face, red eyes, forked tongue,
tells her she’s the most beautiful woman to have ever lived-
tells her there’s nothing she could ever want that he couldn’t give.
“Forever, forever; I will always love you.”
He takes her hand, tries to pull her from the crowd,
“Come with me and you won’t be alone,”
he wants her to himself, but the crowd won’t let her go.


A body with the faces of all her closest friends
calls out to her and grabs her arm, keeping her in place-
with a dark, masked smile and stare, it holds her face,
handing her poison to drink,
she takes it in her hands because she trusts them,
or does she?
“Remember how much we love you... we love you... we need you.”
Maybe she just wants to make them happy.
She wants to make everyone happy.


She gasps as the glass is taken from her hands-
a creature with shifty eyes and quick fingers before her stands
laughing.
Throwing the glass down, he waves a coin purse in her face.
“Think of all the luxuries only I can give you.”
Placing his hands over her eyes, he puts pictures in her mind-
beautiful things surrounded her, and oh, how she was smiling.


But the visions quickly faded; with a jolt she was awakened.
Before her stood the most beautiful woman, thin and perfect.
“You can look like me... think of how desired you could be.”
And she started to long for a perfect face, a perfect shape.
The shame in this longing made her heart ache.
She cried out, “I’m sorry...” as tears slid down her cheeks,
knowing she should be better than to give in so easily.


They all circled around her,
calling her name.
Telling her she has to make a choice,
this is not a game.
They called her and beckoned her and begged her to follow them,
telling her she could never find truer happiness.
Confused and frustrated, she screamed-
hate and rage pounded in her vocal chords.
She stood there crying... crying and screaming-
hoping to wake up; hoping she was dreaming-
beating on her own chest, eyes shut tight,
to keep out all the sounds, all the sights
of the pieces of her life that carry her away–
the pieces of her life that she hates that she loves.
She hates that she loves.


Overwhelmed, she drops to her knees-
as they close in around her, she begs them, “PLEASE-
just let me breathe... I just need to breathe.”
They gather around her, telling her, “Choose!
I can give you what you wish!”
Then she hears a voice saying
“REAL LOVE IS OUTSIDE OF THIS!
There’s a light beyond all these faces,
and it will keep shining in the darkest of places.
All you have to do is turn to Me...
I can make it better,
let Me be what you need.”


She liked the way it sounded,
she wanted that peace...
But she was too ashamed, too complacent to fight.
She let her demons carry her
into the night.

Why do we do what we do?

--Lo--