Always Move Fast...

I feel like the past few years of my life have been so filled with excess that I haven't been able to breathe. My days have been so full of stress and worry that I have fallen into a rhythm of shallow breathing and haven't been able to feel full or satiated.

I just got off the phone with my friend Jenny and we were discussing "Eat, Pray, Love" and how the protagonist lives a similarly smothered life. Divorce, followed by a quick leap into the arms of a new love without time in between to center herself and heal. I did that, and I am doing that still. I love this man with my whole heart, don't get me wrong. It was just interesting to watch this woman go through the same thing and make decisions to release herself and embark on a beautiful but painful journey of self-discovery.

I think it would be wonderful to embark on such a journey. To know the feeling of release and to be able to feel whole. To feel complete. To be filled. And what better time to discover this than before the start of a new year?

New Year's resolutions have always been something I found rather silly (mostly because I have little to no self-discipline. Also because I think change should be for good and forever, and that a resolution that only lasts a year isn't really accomplishing much of a change. What is change if it is only temporary? Is it really change?) But this past year, I decided to make my New Year's resolution about something I would actually do, that I would enjoy doing, and that would make me grow. I decided to read.

I love to read, and I think so much can be learned from the words of others. So in 2010 I read. I decided to switch off between classic novels and contemporary, and here is what I read:

1. The Awakening by Kate Chopin (This is my favorite book and I read it every year. It is a beautiful story about a woman who finds herself and realizes she does not have to attach herself to anyone or anything. I find it correlates well with my favorite scripture- Ephesians 5:14 "Awake, oh sleeper, rise up from the dead and Christ will shine on you.")

2. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (Not quite on the same wavelength as Chopin, but the movie is one of my favorites, because I think it's funny. I, for some reason, am drawn to things that are warped and twisted.)

3. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (I read this when I was 14 and had forgotten how brilliant it was.)

4. Geek Love by Katherine Dunn (Something one of my doctors in Massachusetts recommended because the author and I have the same last name. He said it was required reading when he was in high school. It's fabulous and weird, but not something I would recommend to high schoolers.)

5. Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy (Hardy is my favorite author. He writes the most beautiful tragedies and this book I feel like I can relate to more than anything... mainly because I understand the desire to go to college but not being able to afford it. This past year has opened my eyes to the harsh reality that colleges don't really care about educating, they care about money. Jude Fawley, we are kindred souls.)

6. Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh (I am drawn to things that involve heroin for some reason. And I can never remember if it's spelled heroin or heroine.... I made that mistake in an English paper my senior year of high school when I meant the female hero but referred to her as an opiate. Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies as well, so I naturally had to read the book.)

7. Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (I have read almost all of his books because he is a satirical genius and I hope that my books will move people the way his books have moved me. It was epic. But not my favorite of his.)

8. Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton (another beautiful tragedy. I read it in high school but I couldn't remember the story, so I had to read it again.)

9. House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski (this book took me an entire month to read because it haunted me so. It is beautiful and dark and soooooo brilliantly complex. A great recommendation from a great friend I met at TTU orientation.)

10. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (Which I also read in high school, but loved it so much that I wanted to enjoy it again. And a little because it was $7.00 at Barnes and Noble.)

11. Ender's Shadow by Orson Scott Card (I thought this was a sequel but was really excited to discover that it is not a sequel nor a prequel, but rather going on at the same time! Bravo)

12. On Every Side by Karen Kingsbury (I am normally not a fan of christian fiction because it's rather corny, but it was a gift and it has been sitting on my bookshelf since high school graduation, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Not bad at all.)

13. Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy (I love his books and had not read this one yet, but it blows my mind how something written so long ago can still be so easy to read.)

14. The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer by Philip Carlo (I not only like things that are warped and things that involve heroin, but I am also fascinated by serial killers. Richard Kuklinski was a fascinating man. And this book was very easy to read.)

15. Dracula by Bram Stoker (Again, fascinating how something written so long ago can be such an easy read and so easy to get into. I couldn't put this book down. It's easy to see how this became a timeless classic.)

16. The Long Road out of Hell by Marilyn Manson (I found this in the autobiography section of Barnes and Noble, and it completely captivated me. I have always wondered what made him the person he is today, and I think his music is beautiful. Because people are so judgmental and cruel, they are only able to see the superficial and can't see the truth about human nature in his words. And he has a beautifully unique voice, which I love. While reading this I kind of fell in love with him.... because he is SO PROFOUND. Even the way his book is mapped out is brilliant. Upon reading this, the reader will find that all the stereotypes they heard about him are wrong. And he makes such good points about how people are trash, which I fully believe. Even his name was a way he proved a point about people. He created his name from Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson, to show that everyone has a light and dark side... but which side of his name did society focus on???? The dark side... because that's what they wanted to believe about him. ugh. Thank you for this book, you are an inspiration.)

17. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (I love her. I love how practical she is. I wish I could live in her novels.)

18. Cirque du Freak books 1-6 by Darren Shan (A children's series that I can't seem to stop reading. They are addicting.)

19. Manson in his Own Words by, of course, Charles Manson, although I think it was dictated by him and pieced together by someone else (This man.... I have no words. But the book was great!)

20. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (One of my favorites, I read it every year. I love the concept of change as it relates to human beings... because I'm not convinced people actually do change if it's for the better. But the book leaves it open for argument. Very "shades of grey"... and I live in "shades of grey".)

21. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (Another great book that I read every year and cannot stop laughing the entire way through. And I love that it actually happened.)

22. This was supposed to be Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, but I got halfway through it and my great dane puppy ATE IT. Actually ate it. So, then it was going to be Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy, but then I thought I was supposed to be on a modern novel month... but looking through this I think I read more modern novels than classical novels, so I now have 1 day to complete my resolution and I think I will just read one book and be done. I have settled on My Booky Wook by Russell Brand. (I found this in the music section of Barnes and Noble and I think he is hysterically funny. I flipped open to a random page and couldn't stop laughing so I had to have it. I think I will enjoy it.)

In 2011, I would like to continue reading... at least one book per month. And maybe have a theme... like all books in a series. Or all books by certain authors. I also plan to write every day, at least in a journal. I have so many blank journals given to me as gifts (because there used to be a time when I wrote often. And I love the journals with unlined pages because I don't like feeling constricted when I write.) So I will start to carry a journal around with me like I used to and write down things that inspire me or make me laugh. I used to do that for my weekly shout outs, but for some reason, things just stopped being funny. I am hoping that will change this year, because I loved doing the weekly shout outs. I also will be writing more poetry, if I'm inspired to do so, and try to work on my books. Because how can we change the world if all we do is think?

Most of all, I plan to find myself. I plan to center myself, talk to God every day, and I plan to breathe. And breathe deeply.