Whoever Believes You Can't Love a Dog Like You Love a Person is, for lack of a better word, WACK.

The one true desire I have in my life is to be a mother. All of my life I knew and believed that I would fall in love, marry young, and start having children immediately. I wanted to be a young mom.

I was 20, two weeks from 21, when I got married, and I wanted so badly to have a baby as soon as possible. Everyone said "practical" things like, "You need to wait," "You need to finish school first," "You need more time to get to know Derrick." Well, bless their hearts, that may be what they think for themselves, but their opinions don't really account for where I am in my life. Derrick and I were just married, yes, but when are you ever REALLY prepared for kids? There are always justifications- finances, careers, personal issues... This is what I have always wanted, so thank you for your concern, but you don't know what's best for me.

Several months went by with no success. I was bummed, but I knew that it would probably take a little more time than just a few months. Well, then I started having some medical complications. I started going to a doctor for these problems and she told me that I should start seeing a Gynecologist about the issues I was having. So I did.

No one really knows what is wrong or what is going on. All they have been able to deduce is that there is a problem, and all they have done is treat the symptoms. Well, about a year ago, the Gynecologist told me that my ovaries weren't working like they were supposed to, and that it didn't look like I was going to have children any time soon. He said it probably isn't impossible, but that it would be extremely difficult because of the way my body was functioning.

I was devastated.

Derrick sat down with me that night and tried to console me the best he could, but it was going to take some time to get through this one. I was so hurt and upset and I was angry with God because He KNOWS it's what I want most in this life. How can He take that away from me? I told Derrick that I was really angry with God, and he said something that humbled me so much. He said, "I'm sure He knew you would be." That hit me like a slap in the face. In this life, what I want and what I think is important holds no bearing compared to what God has planned, and I'm so ashamed of myself for being so selfish.

I realized that it's not about what I want, but a lot of times, knowing what's right doesn't make things any easier. I was still really depressed. And what made it worse was that everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant... The absolute worst part, though, was seeing girls still in high school, or who had just graduated, who were very, very pregnant and not the least bit excited about it. It was really disheartening for me.

When I came home from work a few days after my discussion with Derrick, he had a surprise waiting for me. I walked into the den to find this-

(Forgive me for the quality of the picture, I took it with my phone, and the camera was awful.)

From the moment she arrived in our home, Daisy Mae has brought such joy to my heart and to my life. I'm a firm believer that no one can love you like your dog loves you. Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 days, she is always, ALWAYS so overjoyed when I walk through the front door.

She is never mean or ugly. She never makes me cry. Sunshine follows her wherever she goes. All she wants to do is be with me- play with me, love me. I realize this sounds sappy and ridiculous, but she truly was a blessing from God.

Dogs always love you. They are always happy to see you. They NEVER point out your faults. They are truly wonderful and amazing creatures, and I don't know where I would be without my little angel.

She helped save me. I thank God for her.

Run, Leo, Run

I watched "Catch Me If You Can" for the first time tonight, and it was interesting because the whole idea of it seemed to kind of coincide with an event that happened at work this week. A hacker tried to tap into our company's bank account. We know it wasn't someone from our office because:

1. No one in our office is that smart or that STUPID.

2. No one in our office is that desperate.

3. We had our computer tech check the server and no one tried to hack into the online banking.


Anyway, I give the movie two thumbs up. But ONLY because he becomes a decent guy in the end. Because people really make me sick sometimes. And I'm irritated because now I have to be handed a paper check every week instead of having it direct deposited into my account. How inconvenient.

Thanks a ton, hackers of the world. Thanks a friggin boat load.

Things I Discovered Today

1. I prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola... but I prefer Coca Cola products... i.e. Dr. Pepper, Sprite... I had a Pepsi today at lunch and my tastebuds were overjoyed. I then had a Coca Cola when I got to work and I realized it wasn't as good.

2. I really don't know what I want to do with my life. But I kind of have to figure something out because I have a meeting with an advisor at the college tomorrow afternoon.

3. It takes about 3 days for my body to completely re-coop from an hour and a half of racquet-ball after not doing anything physical for like 3 months. So probably about a day for every month of inactivity. Don't quote me on that, math's not my forte.

4. I really really really miss Massachusetts.

5. Note to self--Don't wear the long tunic over jeans again to work- you will get made fun of.

Somewhere In Dreamland

When Derrick and I first started going grocery shopping for ourselves after we got married (the first time I've ever really had to do that for myself as it was), we always stocked up on frozen pizzas. Namely, Totino's brand, because they are relatively cheap and delicious. Looking at the pizza, I remembered it being bigger.

You see, Totino's pizzas are not JUST yummy and cost-efficient. They also take me back to when I was about 4 or 5 years old. My family and I were living in Galveston, TX, in an apartment complex. Every Friday night, my mom would prepare 2 Totino's pizzas and we would watch TGIF- a program that would premiere shows such as: Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Full House. Those were such happy times.

I look at this pizza now and the sensation is bittersweet... because though they bring back fond memories, they are not very big, and my parents made 2 feed a family of 5. Which only shows me that they probably went to bed hungry sometimes.

I've had talks with my mom about our financial situation growing up. We kids never had any idea that my parents struggled so hard to get by. And I think of how many times I probably made my mom cry herself to sleep because I was embarrassed that she bought me the cheap, ugly school supplies instead of the flashy cool ones that would make everyone be my friend and want to sit by me. I used to get so upset with my mom and dad for not letting me have things- cooler clothes, fancier school supplies, a nicer vehicle... when the truth of it was, they fought as hard as they could to get me the things I had. And I was so ungrateful and unsatisfied.

We just never had any idea... we always had plenty of food to eat, we always had a nice, clean, comfortable home, we always had presents at Christmas and on our birthdays. I just wish that I could have thanked them more for what they did.

This is a cartoon that I used to watch when I was little. It's a precious little cartoon that boths saddens and warms my heart, but it always takes me back and makes me remember how beautiful my parents are, and how much they did for me when I didn't deserve it.

Six Things

Sadie tagged me, so I am now going to post six random facts about myself...





1. I have uneven nostrils. I know what you're thinking, what's the big deal? I understand that one arm is slightly longer than the other, one ear is slightly larger than the other, it's just how the human body is. But I used to be (okay, so I still am sometimes) WICKED self-conscious about it. Granted, as self-conscious as I may be, I'm usually the first person to point it out or make a joke about it. I once took a picture of my nostrils and sent it in a text to my friend Chrissy (who may have been the first person to point out my embarrassing flaw) just giving her an update on my nostril status. Still uneven. They sometimes remind me of the book The Witches by Roald Dahl, which was one of my absolute favorites growing up. The reason for this is their nostrils are supposed to be large and shaped like sea-shells.

Check out the piece of work in the corner on your left side. that's what my right nostril looks like... roughly. I'd post a picture of my own nostrils, but I'd rather let your imaginations run with it.

2. When I was little, I was always really picky about the jeans that I wore, mainly in the crotch-al region. I HATED that the zipper poked out, and I was afraid that people would think I was a boy. (I fell asleep with gum in my mouth. The gum subsequently ended up in my hair. My hair had to therefore be cut very short.)

3. I positively CANNOT function if my hands feel dirty. If my hands feel at all dirty, I ball them up into fists until I can get to the nearest sink. I get made fun of at work because I wash my hands an obscene amount of times per day. I'm that way about my feet too, if I feel like there is dirt or yuckiness (especially between my toes), I curl my feet up and wash them as soon as I possibly can...

followed quickly by a good hand-washing.

4. I prefer the idea of being pretty and groomed to actually doing it. I like to have painted nails and tweezed eye brows and shaved legs, but the truth is, I only paint my nails when I have nothing else to do, and I usually only do my pinkies and pretend that I'm starting a new trend; I only tweeze my eyebrows when the hair is starting to grow on my eyelids (you're welcome for the gross visual); and I only shave my legs when I can start to see the hair really well.... from a distance (again, you're welcome.) And I have no problem wearing my cute cropped capri pant-thingies to work with nasty wooly legs.

5. I love Victoria's Secret. My friend Amanda once predicted that in 10 years I would own Victoria's Secret. Because I owned so many of their products.

6. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and make different decisions....

I would.

A Touch of the Ludovico Technique

I am very fond of the idea of the changing and unchanging nature of mankind. One of my favorite books (and movies) is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. Now, if you have seen the movie, you probably think I am a sick and strange person. But once you push past the smut and the "nekkids", you are faced with this picture:

A teenage boy living in a socialistic England commits acts of violence and debauchery and gets arrested. He gets treatment and is presented with an opportunity to become a better person.


Now, I am interested with both directions taken. In the book, Alex goes back to his ugly, ultra-violent lifestyle, but later, in the final chapter, he realizes he wants to be a better man. The movie cuts out the final chapter of the book, so we are left with Alex remaining a cruel and wicked young man.

I love both of those ideas. Because they are both so true in today's world. Some people, when forced to look at their own lives, will come to the realization that they are not the people they should be, and they will learn and grow from there. Then there are people (the majority of people in my opinion), who will either do what is right for a while, just because it was temporarily satisfying, or they will not change at all for a few reasons...

1. The change is too difficult to make. It is much easier to live like we are accustomed to living, which is often times why criminals always end up back in jail.

2. The change does not bring about the necessary results. Being a good person didn't make me feel good. I wasn't any good at being good.

3. The change is inconvenient. Being a good person is not going to really get me the things that I want when I want them (which is right now).

I have lumped the majority of people in the "unchanging" category. Especially Americans. Because only in America (okay, lots of places) can we get away with it. Americans are typically the only people I know of who are encouraged to be set in their ways, because it's your God-given right.

The catch is that in order to have functional relationships, you must be willing to change and grow and learn. And you must be willing to accept the fact that you can be wrong. That you can make mistakes. You must be able to love someone more than yourself.

And the sad thing is... I don't think people are willing to do that as much anymore. I think that people, especially Americans, are raised with the idea that you have to be satisfied right now and if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't satisfy you every minute of every day, then it "wasn't meant to be." We give of ourselves less and less and expect from others more and more.

But despite how hopeless it all seems to try and find goodness in manking, what makes it so interesting is that you can never really know for sure. There is always a chance you will be pleasantly surprised.